29 June 2012 – What a lovely company and they looked gorgeous. Glitz and Glamour was the theme for Cambell Tyson at the Pukekohe Race Fulton Lounge. My favourite was the lovely Audrey Hepburn look-a-like. As they wined and dined Basil was kept on his toes as he was bamboozled by the elegance and the richness of his guests. Manuel, well he was just happy to marry any one of the lovely ladies to stay in the country. Thanks guys you were a “gem”.
13 July 2012 – Friday the 13th and Opus International Hamilton division arrived on the door steps of Footbridge Lodge in true 13th style. We had the delectible transvestite from Transilvania, lots of reapers and lucky for us lots of ghost busters. Last but not least the night would not be complete without our dashing vampires. What a fun lot, what a fun night as the devilish demons “tempted” our Basil and the Vampries “sucked” up to their hosts. What a fab lot, you are welcome back anytime.
28 July 2012 – fun,fun,fun. What an eclectic group of fabulous people. Who said that football holigans don’t get along with school teachers. or accountants and insurance agents are boring – NOT this lot!.. You were ourt best movers and groovers yet. And don’t forget our big shout out to Robert. Thanks for keeping us entertained as well.
22 September 2012 – Within the gorgeous private settings in Karaka Conveyancing Shop Lawyers wined and dined the evening away with the hob-nobbing Basil and miss-socialite Sybil and the every trying to please Manuel. The dinner party was drawn into a setting of true Faulty style of tasteful chaos, witty humour and total interactive fun. Thank you for the use fo your lovely home and i am sure the walls will echo the humour for many years to come.
“Thank you for the wonderful evening. Everyone had a fantastic time. You 3 were absolutely terriffic. It will be very difficult to have office functions in the future as the staff will all expect a show like the one you put on”!
04 October 2012 – At the upbeat Spencer on Byron Reckitt Benchkiser merchandising staff were speared no frills as they laughed their way through the evening with the Faulty crew. No shy wall flowers in this group as they sang and danced with Sybil, Basil and Manuel. The staff had a great sense of humour, it was a truely enjoyable night.
“Thank you for the great night, the team had a wonderful evening and a really good laugh. You guys played the roles exceptionally well and I think the mature audience really appreciated just how well it was done. I will certainly give your details onto other companies that could get use out of the show. Well done and thanks again for the professionalism that you and the team showed and it was a great experience”
07 November 2012 – Maintenance Engineering Conference on the Lakeland Queen . Gorgeous evening out on Lake Rotorua on the Lakeland Queen was the theme for this evening. Themed as “Dinner with the Qyeen” the evening was filled with mad-caped games, building of masterpieces using cards, best Basil portrait and how many people to a lifejacket in Faulty style. The night was silly, funny and wacky with an engineering wit even the odd bit of potty humour. Nobody could escape from it or wanted to.This was also a fun function venue, great staff and yum food. The Lakeland Queen is a great place to make the event fun with a twist.
10 November 2012 – DAPASI fundraiser for Deception Dance Crew at the Australian World Supremacy Battlegrounds and soloists at Showcase Australia competitions. This very talented dance studio are proudly sending their children to heights and dreams that they are making come true. Both groups performed very well and all disiplines were ranked in the top 10 in the world. Part of the top 10 were 2 seconds and 1 first. WOW.
23 November 2012 – We helped bring in the one year aniversary at The Shires with mad cap style. We love coming back to Waiuku and enjoying the loopy sense of humour. We sure know how to bring out the best in these Waiuku people! The Shires has their customers best interest at heart. The Faulty crew are always about to create a storm of laughter, fun and mischief. Until the next one……..can’t wait.
24 November 2012 – Cafe Palazzo at Shed 16 - Yummy food, great staff,fab venue and Faulty kicks up a a night of hullabaloo. Wonderful melting pot of cultures, you just have to love NZ for this. I think they thought we were quite mental and wondered what planet Basil, Sybil and Manuel were from. Lots and lots of laughs, great company and this show was a great recipe for success.
30 November 2012 – At Footbridge Lodge this group was lovely and could talk the “house down”. Lots of intelligent humour with many deep belly laughs. Great company all night, don’t you just love Christmas!
01 December 2012 – This was our party group at Footbridge Lodge right from the moment we came in. Wonderful to see company employees getting along so fantastically. We had a double mock proposal but are still looking for a wife for our Manuel. Isn’t it how we like our men ” A bit dumb but would do anything for us?”
07 December 2012 – At Footbridge lodge it was just another mad night with the fussiest of eaters. But we won them over with another divine meal from Boulevard Catering and one person getting their own special banquet. Lovely intelligent lot, the sharp humour we relished in.
08 December 2012 – Café Palazzo at shed 16 it was like a big fat Greek wedding. Lots of laughs with the sexy lady that danced all night, the aunty that kept cleaning her glasses to make sure what she saw was real, the uncle that you had no idea what he was trying to say and everyone just wanting to kick up their heels at the end of the year. A great way to end. Fun and laughter in True Faulty style.
06 April 2013 – Café Palazzo – Great fun this night. Basil was up to his normal very bad behaviour and these great melting pot of New Zealanders had the roof lifting with laughter. Manuel is still looking for a wife, although he did try his hardest to encourage a proposal. And Sybil…well she is just shaking her head and burying it deep into the next Harold Robins book. Nothing like denial!
“Had a great night with the Barfoot & Thompson Pukekohe crew at Shed 16/Café Palazzo in Drury last Saturday. Acting was superb – food was great and atmosphere was hilarious. Highly Recommended for a great night out”.
04 May 2013 – Café Palazzo - Loved you all. It was great to celebrate all your birthdays or have you just because. We laughed, we sang, we danced, we celebrated and we played havoc all night. Another memorable night of chaos.
29 June 2013 – Fantastic, 60 really is the new 30! Old enough to know what you are doing but young enough to still truly enjoy it all. These wonderful people are all heart and it was lovely to be invited into their home to give entertainment to friends and family and Lyn’s birthday celebration. It was “a buzz” with laughter all night. Have a wonderful 60th year Lyn.
06 July 2013 – Basil, Sybil and Manuel went on a roadie trip to Ohaupo loaded with all things necessary for a great night of entertainment. Windy Ridge Wedding and Function Centre staff was wonderfully hospitable and the Secret Garden Restaurant was lovely all laced in fairy lights. We had builders from Thames, optometrists from the Waikato and our laugh a minute group that had a multitude of aids for the elderly to name a few. Lots of laughs and it was rewarding to leave the crowd on such a high.
23 August 2013 – Line Tech, after many staff had a long day of catching planes to Auckland and an all day conference they still had lots of energy to participate and have a jolly ole laugh with the Faulty crew. We enjoyed admiring and judging their crazy hats. It was so hard to pick we had two winners thanks to the kind management of Line Tech. Great night. Definitely can recommend Quality Hotel of Parnell. Lovely food, well-organised and delightful staff.
21 September 2013 – What a great Theatre Club! It may be off the beaten drag but OSPA Theatre is a place that should be visited. A great range of shows from invited guests to local talent! Basil, Sybil and Manuel had a great giggle with the locals. The great Yachtsmen of this world to the man with no shoes and did Manuel see 6 toes……..we will never know!
28 September 2013 – It really is not only the loveliness of the people you are performing to but the personality of the staff and the owners of venue that make a difference and The Redoubt in Te Awamutu get a great big delicious tick from the Faulty crew. Yum meals, kindness, dancing on the tables, so much laughing and great music. Defiantly a place to go and check out!!
Thank you so much for a great show! We found you all so professional and hilarious! We had several people from out of town who came for the evening and we were rapt to provide them with a great “Redoubt experience”, including a great show. We have had some great feedback and I will be recommending you guys to others in the industry. We would love to have you back again sometime in the future.
24 October 2013 - ANZ Mobile Managers Awards Evening – The tasteful AMMA Evening went off without a hitch. Set at the Maritime Museum function room with lovely presented food and overlooking the habour , it really was a gorgeous setting. Basil’s scrapping fingernails down the chalk board type personality kept the ANZ staff in fits of laughter while Manuel and his wide-eyed pleasing personality made even the shyest of people giggle. And Sybil, well she was in her element gossiping and enjoying everyone’s company. She is a bit staved of good company being married to Basil!! Thanks for a great night and don’t forget your Karaoke KIng aka Justin for future birthdays who can songs in such a delightful high octave.
Saturday 9 November – Be part of a great service and have fun at the same time!, the Faulty Crew have just witnessed the possible. Manukau Sunrise Rotary Club is a fun, caring, like-minded group with a great range of ages. Basil, Sybil and Manuel really enjoyed driving everyone crazy with their wit, humour and sometimes being just a little naughty. All the best for future fundraising to help achieve what some never thought was possible. Check out the videos on the links below to bring a smile to your dial.
Friday 15 November – Drury School. Nothing pleases the Faulty Towers Crew more than a bunch of school teachers letting their hair down after having to be the adults to children for the year. Huge amounts of laughter and knowing a bit of inside information is just fantastic to ensure the entertainment is hilarious in true Faulty style. P.S Manuel has said he is still prepared to wait for his beautiful seniorita and become Mr Manuel McMullen.
Saturday 16 November – Wind Ridge Function Centre. Two busloads of ready to party Main Freight employees and partners descended on Windy Ridge. Basil, Sybil and Manuel met them off the bus and a huge night of organised chaos played out. What a lovely bunch of people. They enjoyed a great show, fantastic food and finished the night boogying to a great band. Thanks to Main Freight and the staff at Windy Ridge.
Friday 22 November – Neat group of people at the gorgeous Café Palazzo/Shed 16 in Drury. First of our 9 nights and what a great night it was. Our wonderful Faulty crew swept all the guests into their crazy world of mayhem. Great, food, great company, fab place and job jolly well done with our newest member of the team, Sybil. Thanks for your business
Friday 29 November – OMG party, party, party! These hilarious partygoers whoop whooped their way through the evening with Basil, Sybil and Manuel. Wonderful 70 outfits and we even had Fred Dag in our presence. After the show the party continued: music, lights and lots of boogying. Great to see people letting their hair down.
Saturday 30 November – We really enjoyed having this group. Even with a technical oops for a company Basil, Sybil and Manuel entertained, created chaos, sang, danced, played guitar and engaged in much laughter and fun with their customers. Thank you so much. Have a delightful Christmas.
Sunday 1 December – It is fantastic when you get to see and experience how people are supporting our youth and giving them life skills and have a heap of fun doing it. Girl Guides is still very much alive and what a pleasure it was for Basil, Sybil and Manuel of Faulty Towers to be the host of their awards evening. Well done ladies what you give is just wonderful.
Friday 6 December – On a warm sunny evening with all the guests enjoying the sun at Café Palazzo Manuel, Basil and Sybil started the show outside, ushered everyone in with their usual style of chaos and mayhem to create the flavour for the evening. A great group of teachers from Manurewa West Primary filled half the restaurant. Aon Insurance, Pacific Surgical, Irish Indians (Brannigans) and Logical Freight Solutions made up the other half. Loads of laughs, thanks to everyone!
Saturday 7 December – What an amazing night at Café Palazzo. We had the place roaring with laughter and in amongst our wonderful guests we had the most rocking Nana I have ever seen. Thank you to all our amazing guests for bringing your birthdays and company celebrations to Faulty Towers. It was a night that is sure to be talked about for many year
Tues 10 December –With the farmers and factory workers from Green Valley Distribution the milk
jokes were flowing all night much to Manuel’s confusion. While Sybil hobnobbed it with the posh Remax Real Estate Agent Basil’s favourite was the beautiful beauty technicians that
he flirted with all night much to Sybil’s dismay. Have fun with your memories
over the Christmas break.
The entertainment was just brilliant, we had nothing but great comments come back from all who attended, we could see everyone getting involved and just having a great time. Well done to you and your team for the excellent service.!!Also a big thank you to the Faulty Towers actors who just made the night so enjoyable.
Wednesday 11 December – Into the place that is world famous in NZ….Paeroa and we found some mighty people, the Lions. Such giving people so it was fantastic we were able to give back to them for a night. Lots of laughter, great food and Ohinemuri club are a very tidy venue. Have a wonderful Christmas and all the success for your future fundraising.
Thursday 12 December – Thank you to the ABC Business Sales team for taking time from nailing those sale deals to catch up with each other and to be entertained by the crazy trio from Faulty Towers at the very chic Nectar Bar. Have a wonderful 2014 and “may all the business sales be forever in your favour.
Thursday 12 December – A huge night with the Pukekohe Family Health Centre celebrating a great year of keeping the community healthy. Not to forget Dr Warren retiring after 36 years of dedicated service. How did Dr Warren put up with that mob for so long? Have a lovely Christmas. Love Manuel. A big shout out to Kristina owner of Shed 16 Café Palazzo. Happy Birthday. Thank you for your wonderfulness, great venue and food. Much Love Maree Strange and the Faulty Towers crew.
Friday 13 December – Wind Ridge Function Centre. Engineers, builders, financers and a family birthday came together at Windy Ridge for an evening of entertainment with the Faulty Towers crew. The participation was fantastic. Our young people had such a hilarious time and loved being part of the fun and they have all said they are defiantly going to watch Fawlty Towers. It is great the John Cleese fan club will never die at this rate.
Saturday 14 December – Our last amazing group for the Christmas season were great. With the lovely group from Chatfield who took Basil’s humour with much laughter and a grain of salt, Century 21 who laughed the night away and the staff from Manukau Surgical who were ready to let their hair down and be involved in every aspect. Thank you to you all from the Faulty gang. We appreciate your business.
Saturday 22 February – Have you ever been serenaded by a Welsh man…..Faulty Towers have and it was a beautiful rendition of the Welsh National Anthem. There was so much fun as we played running races, danced, dined, laughed at each other and with each other. There may have been only 16 people but between Tamzen our organics extraordinaire, Nat the ex NZ discus and Brian “I will win at all cost” to name a few wonderful personalities it was a blast. Happy Birthday Robin.
“What an experience! We’ll never forget the bemused looks on our guests’ faces as they were greeted by Basil and Manuel. The banter, jokes, sketches and dancing all combined to make a hilarious evening and memorable celebration for my husband’s birthday. Thanks to the Faulty Towers crew for an outstanding show!” Donna Davies, private party
Saturday 5 April. Here we go….public show number one for the Faulty Towers Dinner Theatre team in 2014. We had a deliciously flavoursome group for the night. Very honoured to share a heap of fun with the beautiful Ropati family on their Dad’s 50th. To all our fabulous guests we enjoyed sharing many laughs. Have a great year.
Saturday 10 May – Wow what a great organization the Cerebral Palsy Society of New Zealand! So much love, care and attention goes into making this night so wonderful for people with Cerebral Palsy and their most giving families and careers. A heart warming laugh was never too far away throughout the whole night. Then we danced the night away…
Wednesday 28 May – LIC experienced the ultimate celebration package; the mad Faulty Towers Dinner Theatre crew Basil, Sybil and Manuel at the very tasteful and beautifully managed Vilagrad Vineyard and Winery www.vilagradwines.co.nz. Great group, heaps of laughs. Although nothing more could be expected with leaders King Paki and Pope Reynolds. All the best LIC with your new technology. I can “see men” and women are the best in your industry!
Wednesday 11 June – Friendly, friendly, friendly and then a couple of mad Scotsmen made this company vibrant and entertaining for the night. In amongst great food and hospitality at the Mount Maunganui Golf Club www.mountgolf.co.nz Orica enjoyed Sybil as she laughed the night away with the personalities of these colourful people, Basil with his impatient behaviour and Manuel who was happy in his own world. If we ever need more “nutters” in our shows I will be sure to give you a call……I think madness happens when you drive trucks all day….Great company, enjoy your year.
Saturday 28 June – “Oh what a night”….Thanks to the Community of Papakura and efforts of students at Rosehill, their parents and Faulty Towers putting on a stupendous show much moola was raised for these dedicated hardworking students to fundraise to go to Vietnam under the Duke of Edinburgh Award to develop leadership skills and give aid in Vietnam. World Challenge what a great group of kids you are taking away. And thanks to all of you for your part to make this their reality.
Friday 4 July – Mid Year Christmas and a night full of laughs at Windy Ridge Wedding and Function Centre. The Faulty Towers evening with Basil, Sybil and Manuel was in the homely, simple but elegant Cellar Room. 80 people from Hamilton, Morrinsville and surrounding areas laughed the night away for a full 2 ½ hours with time just flying by! Superb night of entertainment, food and hospitality.
Saturday 12 July – Bankers, accountants, people who fix planes and families made up a hilarious night at Café Palazzo. Luckily, Sybil decided not to go to Audrey’s and helped Basil and Manuel run the evening. Oh…if anyone did find Manuel’s hamster can they please call us.
Saturday 19 July – This group of people are always looking after everyone else so it was great to look after the Te Awamutu Police and see them have a great time. They embraced the evening by coming dressed in their 70’s attire and the turnout was fab. Laughs, humour and neat people made a great night.
Saturday 26 July – Back to our favourite Waikato venue The Windy Ridge for some good ole fashion laughter. We had a very funny night of people esp. from the Waikato Council and Waikato Furniture. These people were in fine form. There is nothing funnier than pretending you are annoyed when inside there is so much giggling with laughter happening.
Saturday 9 August – A night in Morrinsville at the Roadhouse Bar and Grill entertaining the locals. A glorious deep fry fed the hungry hordes. Thanks to the staff as Basil, Sybil and Manuel tried to give a helping hand but just ended up sinking the whole evening into fits of laughter and chaos with mistake-ridden efforts.
Saturday 8 November – Yay, another wonderfully successful fundraiser and those Northland Cricket boys are closer to their exciting adventure. And the boys were so helpful….especially after one poor lad was literally dragged around by his ear! A heap of fun and many sore jaws from laughing, even some amazing fireworks at the Cobham Oval. Good luck guys with the rest of your fundraising.
Saturday 15 November – This Warkworth Fire Station group did not disappoint. Such a fun night, great food and lots of comedy and laughter. Everyone was such a great sport. Basil, Sybil and Manuel enjoyed being part of your fundraising efforts. All the best to Nick and Dan on your waterways competition. Hope you guys handle your hoses real well!!
Friday 21 November – Massive night! 190 ANZers have a great Christmas Party night out. Basil and his brother Baz, Sybil, Manuel and his brother Emmanuel and all the staff at Windy Ridge were on the run all night. Effectively we had two teams to keep up the banter and a night of nuttiness. Lovely people with double the laughs.
Saturday 22 November – Manuel finally found the love of his live after a mysterious Waiuku Beauty from the “Train Gang” fell in love with his serenade. Manuel will be a happy man! Thanks to Sybil coming to the rescue, as Basil and Manuel could not even set the room up right to start the night as our lovely group from Tauramanui came all this way and still had no table or chairs. Thank goodness for Sybil! We had wonderful birthday celebrations and engagements. The night was full with much joy and laughter.
Friday 28 November – What a fun night! Vernon and Vazey, New Zealand Steel and then the lovely little romantic birthday for two…..from one end of the scale to the other. Basil, Sybil and Manuel created heaps of mischief. Sybil had a ball serenading the birthday couple, and then having a cheeky ole time with her yoga karma sutra friend at Vernon and Vazey and Mr Tweed at NZ Steel. It really was such a giggle. Thanks everyone and have a wonderful Christmas.
Saturday 29 November – Weeee “Faulty on Tour” to New Plymouth to give a huge amount of craziness to the team at Taranaki Pine for their Christmas function. Big Thumbs up to Kylie for her effort and it paid off. One customer told Sybil that she has never laughed so much in her whole life! We had Gangnam Style lovers, craaaazy people, never seen Faulty Towers before people and even some normal people. We have left Taranaki Pine in good hands with their newly appointed King and Queen of the Pines….. All the best from Basil, Sybil and Manuel.
“We had an absolutely awesome time with your great show, you guys are perfect at making even the unlaughable people have a smile and giggle. Thank you very very very much for everything you provided for us”.
Friday 5 December – Murder at Hotel Balle Balle. Imagine yourself at the Luxurious Hotel Balle Balle in the 1920’s dinning with Mercedes Bigg, Francesca Lambsey and Boy Simmons. Their Chief Roydon Lambsey had a vision of bringing a little bit of India back to England. Bring in some Bollywood dance, extravagant Indian costumes, an opinionated uptight Chief, an overworked exuberant down trodden slightly drunk wife, a Maitre d’ who wants it just to be perfect and is not too sure which way he swings or the kitchen staff who is never able to get it quite right (Johnnie English style)….and does he really know how to cook?
Get ready for a crazy night of “who dun it?” Bring along your own murder weapon, come dressed up 1920’s or Bollywood and be part of the entertainment. Heaps of laughs guaranteed.
Friday 5 Dec – Fantastic and funny was Faulty on Friday with Fountains Funerals who were anything but deadly quiet!!! The YMCA song brought out the very best dancer from the crowd. Ardmore School had a great night dancing the night away after the show. Very funny night with them all. Thanks Red Shed Palazzo.
Rinnai – “I’d just like to give my wholehearted thanks to the team at Palazzo and the Faulty Towers crew for a fantastic night. The show was brilliant. I cannot give enough kudos for the performance. I haven’t seen some of our staff laugh as hard as I saw on Saturday night. I’m a big fan of Fawlty Towers and did have one or two concerns that it’d just be another NZ try hard. This was definitely not that! John Cleese would be proud. I was most impressed at how well they carried the show. I know how hard it is to keep people laughing who are listening to your every word. To do it with so much distraction and for so long speaks volumes for the confidence they have in the performance and the quality of the performance. I’ll stop now as I do a write up on all of our social club events for prosperity and if I don’t stop now, this will start looking like that. I will send you a copy once it’s done and you can feel free to use as a testimony to the fantastic performance. The food was also brilliant. Lots of it and very tasty. Everyone had a great time thanks”.
Friday 12 December – Our Friday show at Red Shed Palazzo had the crazy ASB Bank, NZ Steel, Composite Floor and Decks, Delwyn group and many other fabulous people. Basil had a great time with his ASB girls and Sybil she just could help cooing over the men from our very own NZ Steel!
Saturday 13 December – Funny, Funny and Funnier…we had a blast. Great food dished up by the Red Shed and fab company make a good night of entertainment. We laughed even when we thought we could not laugh any more. Manukau Superclinic, Southern District Towing, Gary Pyes Elite Windows and Doors, Pamela and friends and Smart Electronics are just the bomb. All the best for 2015!
Friday 19 December – A brilliant night in the Cellar Room at the Windy Ridge with the Real Estate people trying to sell Basil’s restaurant. Then we had the mysterious CO4 people who Basil and Sybil decided they must be psychologists!! We had fun with Lord Seymour at George Seymour School and a Hamilton councillor who had us in hysterics with his humour and always up first for the free food. Great night to end the year of entertainment
Saturday 28 March – FAULTY TOWERS – It was none other than the sexy (not so) old Claudine turning 40 cowgirl style. We spiced up the evening with those slick moves from the Bronco days, mixed in a bit of crazy Manuel, our very much no respect for others Basil and Sybil who can’t wait to have a great time with anyone cause her husband is so boring….what do we have….a special night just for the lovely Claudine and her wonderful friends. Never stop dancing Claudine….you got the moves girl.
Saturday 2 May – FAULTY TOWERS – What a fun night with the Faulty crew at The Red Shed. Our lovely Indian friends kept asking Basil for all the extras and had to be reminded that they were not in an Auckland Gentlemen’s club but we could provide extra hot stuff in the forms of chilies. Dracula booked a table incognito but we soon found out about him when we waved garlic around the table. As for the youngest member of the audience, there with her mother, she surprised us at how quickly she jumped at the chance to help Manuel out with his little immigration problem. Linda, How Low Can You Go gave us plenty to enjoy when she and friends joined us for the dancing. Sybil hardly needed to tell the girls anything, as they knew all the moves. Surprise, surprise the guests from West Auckland knew what to do with white powder and enjoyed plenty of food that was not from a takeaway. Thanks guests we had a great night.
Friday 10 July – FAULTY TOWERS – Waikato Hospital were unable to deliver babies, tend to Basil’s head wound or man any other clinics because they spent the evening at Windy Ridge laughing too much. Mrs Faulty offered to hold a marriage ceremony for a newly engaged couple and bust into an operatic solo during the celebrations part of the night….no glasses smashes with her falsetto. The large group from Millennium plastics attempted to palm off one of their employees as a replacement Polly but Manuel was not fooled. Although he spent a lot of time trying to extricate himself from the vacuum cleaner cord that they wrapped around themselves or was that Basil?? Lots of fun and confusion.
Saturday 11 July – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE – What an awesome night. We had flapper girls dancing their hearts out, 1920’s gangsters with road kill on their face and Bollywood dancers all dressed up and out for a great night. Just loved Biggles and his nurf gun along with many memorable selfies! Thanks to a great crowd.
Friday 24 July – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE – Show was a great success with some very cool outfits being worn by the audience. Everyone had a great time. And who was murdered??? …you will have to come and see. Big Boobie Shontae certainly had us wondering. And whoever was murdered, well they made for great selfies!
Saturday 1 August – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE – A crazy ole “who dune it” with the drunken distress wife with her head only for her love of anything Bollywood, the ever questioning staff and the very egocentric Mercedes or maybe it was someone else. Amaaaazing 1920 and Bollywood appearances. .Everyone joined in the craziness and gave us many laughs.
Saturday 8 August – FAULTY TOWERS -We razzled and dazzled, misbehaved, laughed and had such a great time. We had lovely little gnome look alikes that would have been perfect for Sybil’s garden but Basil would have none of it as he was too busy smoozing up to the BMW great rock holders. And Manuel….he looked after the “old people’s home” table to ensure they did not get lost for dinner. A wonderful night for all.
Saturday 15 August – FAULTY TOWERS – What a lovely team of horsey people….and did we have a good laugh or what!! Hayley and Rhonda did a fab job of making the whole conference for Weatherbeeta run very smoothly even with Basil, Sybil and Manuel horsing around all night. We really look forward to the launch of the person bridle….to have such empathy for your fellow four legged friends is just beautiful. Well done David B.
Thursday 8 October – FAULTY TOWERS – What a hoot! We had so much laughter at Postman’s Leg. Basil’s Gourmet Evening had the fussiest
eaters in rapture about the food even among the absolute chaos. Manuel literally waiting on tables, Basil unsuccessfully
able to create calm, and where was Sybil?? She was going mad because of her forever
messerupera of a husband and unhelpful employer Manuel. Thank heavens for golf with Audrey the next day, a lovely glass of Pinot Noir, her fav chocolate and her most fab books; Harold Robbins
Friday 13 Nov & Saturday 14 Nov–FAULTY TOWERS- Faulty Towers landed on K-Road with a thump at the mighty Encore for two nights of slaps and laughs. Tony Blair thought he could have quiet night out in Auckland. He was wrong. Warehouse Stationery rapper “Jay The Man” had to (ahem) rap his own presents despite sporting some quite horrendous stitches. Maybe he had an unfortunate run-in with Manuel’s hamster. Or was it Sybil? “The Leprechaun” from Jay The Man’s posse was making a strong case to resolve Manuel’s immigration problem but was pipped at the post by a consummate flirt from Pacific Hygiene. Pam Loco graciously became our stand-in Polly but was definitely guilty of muddying the waters around the “Manuel Immigration Conundrum” “ASB Christine“ demanded a romantic couple be removed so that her two tables could be “as one”. Despite Basil’s irritation at guests exercising any desires whatsoever, it transpired that said romantic couple had produced several children with different partners. If there is one thing Basil can’t abide is his “English Riviera” hotel being turned into a “knocking shop”. The romantic couple were duly separated. “The Communist” sitting next to crowd-favourite “Jay The Man” drew Basil’s ire as being sartorially unsatisfactory and a general long-haired waste of space. “Bronwyn Steering Wheel” from Birkenhead transport tore up the stage during “The Locomotion” before steaming off on an impromptu conga. And not forgetting the Major who manfully defended FT on both nights from The Germans before departing to Miss Tibbs and Miss Gatsby’s room for a pink gin.
Hi team. We thoroughly enjoyed our night with Sybil, Basil and Manuel. Lots of laugh’s and hilarity and crowd participation. Would definitely recommend! ASB East Auckland
Well I have to say our company had an absolute blast at our Christmas Function thanks to Basil, Sybil and Manuel. Everyone – both young and slightly younger – thoroughly enjoyed themselves and found the evening to be full of mayhem and hilarity as promised. We did have a few young ins who did not know Faulty Towers, but in the end it didn’t matter they found the evening to be downright funny and loved the whole show. It was wonderful that even when Sybil would sit down at your table for a little one on one chat she remained completely in character and I must say she had the perfect laugh of Sybil. I would most definitely recommend this show to anyone wanting a side splitting laughter of a good time. Thanks again to the team at Faulty Towers – you all really made our Christmas Function memorable. Cheers Pam “Loco” Logo (aka Stand-in Polly) Pacific Hygiene Limited
Saturday 14 November – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE – On a balmy November evening in beautiful Orua Bay the Hotel Balle Balle team arrived outfitted in all their glory and magnificence ready to make their grand entrance… and promptly got stuck in the sand! Chins held high – the show must go on – they traversed the beach to where the Conveyancing Shop were waiting in fits of laughter. We Bollywood danced in style and played host to a delicious night of dining. Then there was the murder – who dunnit? (Maybe Big Boobie Chantee – maybe not). From the kids being told that Roydon was just having a sleep-over to a celebration of his death a great night was had by all.
Saturday 21 November – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE had its first “Roadie” to Tauranga. What a blast! We entertained bakers who “kneaded” a good laugh, some “bright spark” electricians and many others. Poor Lala had some smelly issues during the night! Poor Ryan can’t tell the time. And one of our bright sparks was so bright… he ended up in the pool! Once out, sadly he had to find his own way home. Doh! A great night was had by all.
Thursday 26 November 2015 – FAULTY TOWERS – Basil was very pleased to finally have some affluent guests at the Red Shed tonight in the form of Lady June Carter as well as a table full of doctors – although they did have a psychiatrist amongst them (“not a real doctor” according to Basil). Basil did his best to keep them separated from the “riff-raff” from Drainholes, who did have a Prince Charles impersonator in their midst. Basil, Sybil and Manuel also did their best to accommodate a romantic evening out for The Silver Fox and his lady friend (who may or may not have been married). Young Liam Marceau did all the talking for his dad Marcel and joined in the celebrations, meanwhile the Drainholes crew kept the laughter up whilst making a very decent effort of quenching their thirst on a warm evening in Drury.
Thursday 26 November 2015 – FAULTY TOWERS – People on the main street of Waiuku were witness to extraordinary scenes on Thursday evening when Manuel resorted to climbing out of the window in order to get away from the harassment that Basil was subjecting him to. The lovely couples sitting on that side of the Shires’ restaurant must have wondered whether it had been wise to sit by the large open window on such a balmy evening when it ended up being used as a door. Lots of laughter, confusion and rigorous staff training kept them from concentrating on their food – or each other!
— ooo 0 ooo —
Friday 27 November 2015 – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE.- A great night at the Red Shed with doctors, lawyers, teachers and family. The doctors wanted to stitch up poor Royden. The lawyers wanted to sue him and the teachers felt he lacked education. However, once they all got dancing all that empathy went out the window. We had a little marriage, a 75th birthday and many other great celebrations throughout the night. Fun times in true Bollywood Style!!
Friday 27 November 2015 – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge, Ohaupo – What an evening! The first rain drops fell just as Basil, Sybil and Manuel burst into the restaurant yelling to be heard above the rain and 150 diners. Basil saved a guest from an ill-placed leak in the roof with a stylish cowboy hat, Manuel serenaded a lovely Irish lass, Sybil became enamoured with a couple of stylish handbags complete with knuckle-dusters as the handle and all three pondered the social intricacies of a Morrinsville Bank.
Saturday 28 November 2015 – FAULTY TOWERS. A boisterous night in the Red Shed kicked off with Jim Fordyce’s Lush club rocking up an hour before gourmet night was even due to start and living up to their club name! A genteel family were sandwiched between the lushes and the rowdy Iddy Biddy Wonders. While Basil was busy re-uniting long-lost farmer brothers, Sybil was pairing up psychologists with a seemingly never-ending parade of mad people. If anyone has news of Manuel’s whereabouts please let us know as he hasn’t been seen since serenading the tough biker boss’s daughter from the Skeleton Crew… a typically quiet night then at Faulty Towers’ gourmet evening.
Saturday 28 November 2015 – Ohaupo got a taste of India with MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE rolling through for the evening. Laughter was had and mischief was mad with everyone getting into the spirit of the evening. There were people dressed up in fabulous 1920’s outfits and some very splendid Indian outfits indeed. A fun night was had by all.
Wednesday 2 December 2015 – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE. From a solo diner “Nigel no friends”, to a group celebrating an early Christmas, the Redoubt Bar & Eatery was ready for a night of hijinks and laughter. Hotel Balle Balle stopped traffic with Faye the owner leading the procession down the road, across the crossing and onto the roundabout with a body on a stretcher, a snake in a bag and big booby Shontae showing off her great dance moves. Te Awamutu took to Hotel Balle Balle like a duck to water. We love you crazy Waikato people!!
Friday 4 December 2015 – FAULTY TOWERS. Thanks Middlemore Hospital for putting up with Basil’s fawning attitude all evening especially towards “the Professor”. Sybil spent most of the evening nagging and dragging him away to look after the remaining customers and stopping Manuel from incurring the wrath of OSH inspectors who could have been called in at any moment! Several guests from Hill Design and P James Maintenance were unable to stay in their allocated seats and must have thought they had come to a musical chairs evening. Luckily Mrs Maniac didn’t have an allergic reaction to the food and the delicate issue of Manuel’s illegal immigration status was solved and wedding bells will be rung shortly. Our Hunua friends were thoroughly enjoying themselves and Sybil’s pearls were coveted by several ladies and one man!! Just another hilarious evening at the Red Shed.
Friday 4 December. Under a thousand stars at Ohaupo, MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE weaved its magic, transporting everyone back to 1920 with a tonne of Bollywood flavor! A couple of gorgeous young men showed us how to truly dance Bollywood-style, we met Mercedes Biggs’ brother Alfa Romeo and Big Boobie Shontae was forever lurking in order to try to find her unsuspecting new romance. All was going splendidly until the infamous Chef Roydon was murdered! Many weapons were displayed, many guests pleaded their innocence and then the culprit was found…
Saturday 5 December 2015. The Red Shed had a splash of MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE. Garland Builders were all “decked out” in old-school gangster attire with a few flappers hanging off their arms. Some amazing Indian dancing moves were being demonstrated and taught to the actors and punters. Think water’s laughter “flowed like a river”, the Jolly Barbers had a “jolly good time” while ‘Supa Gas’ provided some ‘Supa’ dancers and participants.
Saturday 5 December 2015 – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. Turanga Creek Winery provided a stunning setting for the Marley NZ Christmas function. Of course, Basil and Sybil were there to meet and greet their guests and instead of being led to the festivities, Manuel took the guests on a garden ramble, which was fine for those ladies NOT wearing high heels! Mayhem and hilarity continued as the wine flowed. Basil and Manuel were stalked by a fan, Sir Ben Kingsley (who’d have thought it) and even the Major popped in for a wine or several!! Basil introduced Sybil to a plastic surgeon in the hopes that he could do some work on her thus inspiring Manuel to attempt liposuction on a gentleman using the vacuum cleaner. Everyone had great fun. Thank you Marley NZ… even though Basil thought you were ‘Wine Snobs’ – you were ‘JUST GORGEOUS’!
Saturday 5 December 2015. There was a good number of management and workers from The Carpet Mill at Windy Ridge who rolled out the welcome mat for the FAULTY TOWERS crew on Saturday night. That place must be a fun place to work if the smirks and giggles at the management table to the full belly laughs coming from the workers were any indication. Hopefully they don’t make a carpet to match the curtains that one of their lads clearly stole off his grandma to make his shirt out of! The rest of the diners from ASB, Fuel Rebates, Home Products, Dave Allen Motors and others had a great time and were keen to get involved, although they clearly disapproved of Basil’s staff training techniques. Manuel was rewarded with a betrothal to Julia (pronounced Hoolia) from Hardy’s – although he wasn’t sure if she just worked there part time after school or not. Plenty of people were celebrating various events, including Melissa celebrating leaving Hardy’s (and they still paid for her meal!) and Graham from The Carpet Mill who was celebrating the fact that everyone was celebrating.
Thursday 10 December 2015 – FAULTY TOWERS. A financial high-wire act at the Red Shed gourmet evening tonight with both the “IRD – Table of Misery” and “The Accountants” trying to expose irregularities in the Faulty Towers book-keeping and annual reporting. In the end, Sybil and Basil managed to persuade them that everything was above board and that Manuel was not being paid under the table. “The Newlyweds” at Cory’s Electric (what? hoover, drill? poke in the eye?) seemed besotted much to Basil’s bemusement and Manuel remarked to the poor sod who had worked there for fifteen years, “You get less than that for murder!” Cathie Parrot at the “Delusions of Grandeur” table tried to convince Sybil they were French sophisticates however Basil unearthed the truth with the help of “The Cardigan” from Cory’s Electric something-or-other. Manuel was the subject of a sustained campaign of flirtation by the indomitable Pam Kinky from Sparkz while “The Dealers” (mostly called Wendy) plied their trade despite Basil’s best efforts in reminding them they were in a reputable establishment.
Well, what can I say. Our table of four (The parrot table) had a fantastic evening. Have not laughed so much in years with all the antics of the Faulty Towers crew. It truly was a great evening. Told my (soon to be) 87 year old Mum about the evening and her remark was “gosh … wish I had been there”. Unfortunately she lives in Wellington and didn’t arrive her until 10th December for a 3 week holiday. If she is is back up here when you next hold a show at the Red Shed, I will be sure to book her in – with us in tow of course. Thanks for a wonderful evening and a very Merry Xmas to you and the the Faulty Towers crew.
Friday 11 December. FAULTY TOWERS. The laughter continued at the Red Shed Palazzo on Friday night. A large group from Spark (formally known as Telecom) didn’t get a good “reception” from Basil, but as the night went on a “good connection” was made by all. Sybil sought fashion advice from clothes designer Karen Walker who proved to be most creative on the dance floor. Manuel was convinced an Isis terrorist was in the house and went into hiding every time a balloon popped. Claire “the Cookie Monster” and the team from HSV had some very suspect Christmas crackers and a pair of animal print panties ended up on Basil’s head! Basil and Manuel thought the teachers from Mangatauwhiri Primary School had brought one of their pupils along, but it turned out that the pupil in question was in fact a teacher! Manuel was smitten with a tall, leggy young lady with tattoos and thought his immigration issue was finally over but sadly it was not meant to be as her mother did not approve! Thank you to all of our fantastic groups of people, you were Amazing!
Friday 11 December 2015 – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE. The glitzy and glamorous were all out in Ohaupo on Friday night. Even Popeye and his muscles made an appearance and had a great Bollywood experience. We had the pharmacists bringing the “right stuff” to keep the night going and the pre-school teachers were letting loose like their kids for once. Everyone was keeping an eye on what greenstone were doing and behaving themselves whenever the word “immigration” was mentioned. Death and debauchery made for a good night.
Saturday 12 December 2015. FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. 144 people in Ohaupo couldn’t believe their eyes and ears when one lady shot like a bullet from her seat not once but twice to avoid flour coming in her direction – and all because she was wearing a $1000 Prada dress!! Basil debated the finer points of hydrogen embrittlement with a galvanising company, Manuel found his long-lost parents and Sybil loved the Christmassy suit one young man had been dressed in by his mother. A special celebration was had for one older gent as he was on a promise for the night. A great evening with lots of laughter was summed up by two guests on their way home… “I haven’t laughed that much in years!”
Saturday 12 December 2015. MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at the Red Shed. We were rocking it Bollywood style. The whole restaurant Bollywooded their hearts out. We just felt the loooooove!! The night gave way to so much craziness… especially when a certain lady from Curtain Clinic (turning 21 again and again) had her heart set on a lovely young vet. It went from base one to base ten in 2 seconds flat! Soooooo funny. I just loved watching the ole mates from Gear Boxes R Us giggling the night away. Fun times had by all.
Monday 14 December 2015 – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. Monday night found the beautiful Volare Restaurant filled to the brim with (mostly) ladies from three early care centres ready to party – and they certainly did! The night was full of mayhem as Basil, Sybil and Manuel got all tangled in balloons and extension leads. The balloons were a hit everywhere – including derrieres. Micha had organised an amazing evening and Sybil was so happy to find someone as organised as her. Basil (outnumbered by all the girls) turned his attention to the unfortunate Manuel who was sure he could find a beautiful lady to help with his immigration problem…but no sadly he is still single!
Wednesday 16 December 2015. FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. The night began with Sybil using Aunt Edith as the reason to go and visit at Longford… but secretly Basil was to stay so many more hours of golf could be played with her dear friend Audrey. Four gorgeous “brave” residents and the nurse (Basil’s pick) were interviewed as to whether or not they would fit the bill. And who drew the short straw? None other than the delightful 90 year old Isabel. Look out Basil! Isabel does need to check with her family as she has been given strict instructions…no flatmates!
Friday 18 December. MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE. A hilarious night with Educators, Travel Agents, Printers, family and friends. Wonderful costumes and everybody had a ball. The Travel Agents got taken away on a different type of journey. The Printers wanted to pay in counterfeit. The Educators were being naughty and all the kids loved it! We all boogied the night away in true Bollywood style.
Saturday 19 December 2015. Prince Charles graced FAULTY TOWERS with his presence – or was he really working for Heron Construction? Of course Basil was all over him but didn’t get his dinner delivered to him. Sybil had to come to the aid of Judy, celebrating her 60th birthday, who had trouble working out if her cake was polystyrene or really chocolate! Just cut it with the knife Judy! (It was tasty by the way). A large
group from W R Jack Ltd had made sure all their hierarchy wore glasses for the evening and Manuel enjoyed making sure they had the right hats and wigs for the occasion. Just another busy and action-packed evening at the Red Shed.
Saturday 13 February – What do you get when you have Pat’s 80th and you mix a little bit of naughty with a little bit of nice, a mad ole biddy and a bunch of good sorts? You get one crazy heck of a party! Sybil was at the rescue once again when she found out that poor PAT PAT had trouble distinguishing taxi drivers from ordinary people picking up their children. Basil had no empathy for the silly ole biddy but Sybil on the other had made it her job to blindfold the partially seeing PAT PAT and using her 6 senses and a whole lot of hand to work out the occupations of her friends. Well you can guess the rest and it certainly was quite a HOOT!!
Friday 13 May – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW in Whitanga. What a relief to finally arrive in Whitianga after a monumental journey from Torquay! Basil claimed a Manuel-programmed Siri was to blame for the late arrival at the Fight Flight Club Ballroom with Sybil apportioning blame slightly differently. With guests already seated our heroes were up against it to get the 10 potatoes ready in time. Lord Attenborough set the sartorial tone with Basil complaining at the untucked state of most of the “riff raff”. An early flesh-wound from a difficult toilet door threatened to send Manuel off for an early bath until Dr. Jane applied a swift field dressing. Basil got his own “field dressing” while attempting to avoid Sybil’s wrath. We understand Kylie’s red, lacy knickers have been returned via post from a less-than-impressed Sybil. Sybil exposed several affairs and apparent sex-changes to the local “Informers” who gladly took pictures for the morning edition. Prince Harry was on-hand to make sure the Jandals Crew were well-plied with refreshments and they were all last seen decamping with the Party Prince to a local boozer. Manuel’s immigration problems were solved when “all his birthdays came at once” and he got to officially married by a real celebrant to not one, but two beauties. Sybil and Manuel finished the evening escorting a worse-for-wear Basil off for a bit of (well-deserved) rest, leaving the Sea Stouts Scouts to party hard on into the evening.
Saturday 14 May. FAULTY TOWERS SHOW in Whitianga. I have so much fun with Sea Stouts people when Mr & Mrs Faulty come to Fatty-Anya to make dinner. I came too sad because it is not easy for me to stay in this beautiful country as my passport will soon be dead. I think I will have to go back to Barcelona, so it was with great celebration to me to find a beautiful woman to marry right there with the Sea Stouts. So we got married & everyone was very happy. We sang & danced & dressed up in funny clothes like they do back in my country. But Mrs Faulty was feeling very angry with Mr Faulty because he made a mistake & accidentally was cuddling a nice lady. It was bad when I didn’t mean to hit Mr Faulty on the head with an oven plate and he had to go to hospital. He really doesn’t like Germans. Even though he always hits me on the head, a love Mr Faulty for giving me a job & not exploding me. xxx Manuel.
Saturday 18 June FAULTY TOWERS SHOW at Te Atatu Boat Club. The Faultys plus Manuel found themselves putting on gourmet night for large crowd of rambunctious salts at the Te Atatu Boating Club. In one corner we had Tina Turner busily telling fortunes in her crystal ball and in the other, a certain Cruella was pretending she didn’t have a basement full of dalmatians. Add a weather-beaten Willie Nelson and a somewhat-out-of-place pair of Swedes into the mix and the scene was set for a classic night of carnage! It was an evening of revelations for Sybil as she was re-united with a long-lost cousin (whose finishing school had also apparently been bombed according to Basil), her old tea towels and her old curtains. The latter having been apparently stolen by the Te Atatu boaties at an earlier do to turn into shirts and dresses! Despite an acute infestation of ants in some wearable greenery that Manuel had given away to a lucky lady, a blushing bride was found to allay his imminent deportation fears. After Basil’s mishap and personality change the Faulty crew decamped to leave the boat people dancing away to Mustang Sally.
Saturday 25 June FAULTY TOWERS SHOW at Red Shed Palazzo. Sybil’s dream came true as she chatted with the Queen’s Mother as she drank her Pink Gin. It was so nice of her to make an appearance from above!! So many birthday babies to celebrate and they were all too happy to kick up their heels and have a jolly ole laugh. Renee’s empire was a company she should be proud of as they were up to trying just about anything. The Bennett Bombshells gave all sorts of hair tips and commended Sybil on her gorgeous presentation. Shirley who is still so “perky” for 70 was an inspiration to us all. What a fab night!
Saturday 2 July at Windy Ridge Wedding and Function Centre. A hilarious night at windy Ridge with Accountants, Surgeons , Galvo’s and some not so bright sparks. Wonderful flapper costumes everybody had a ball. The surgeons were at their cutting best. The Accountants were well balanced our mates from Perry’s were on fire and Ideal Electrical had a great after show party with Royden! They all bogeyed the night away in true Bollywood style
Saturday 16 July at Windy Ridge Wedding and Function Centre. As seen through the eyes of Boy Simmons the waiter…..I’m sick & tired of being mistreated & yelled at by our so-called celebrity chef Roydon Lamsey. Ever since being employed to wait on tables at this dodgy establishment, I have grown to dislike the man intensely. Mind you, his inebriated wife Fran & megalomaniac maître d Mercedes aren’t much better. No wonder my darling sister Gay went mad & disappeared after working here. I can’t find her anywhere! She was a great Bollywood-style dancer & you know how obsessed these fruit-loops are with anything Indian. They even make me dress-up & dance like I’m in a Bollywood movie.
Oh well, the crowds of people that still flock to the restaurant seem to really enjoy dancing & letting their hair down. And the good folks at Windy Ridge, Ohaupo, do look after us all well. Hope to see you there sometime soon. Anyway, I could murder a curry.
Basil was delighted to host Billy Connolly (or at least his look-a-like) but then had to save Manuel from his bear-like embrace. Incompetent Manuel kept bumbling his duties, so Basil used Manuel to clean the floor. When Basil caught Manuel dancing on a table, he lifted him off on his shoulders and the unstable duo staggered around the restaurant – with Manuel hanging onto the lights to save himself from falling! Several diners rapidly shot their chairs backwards when they thought Manuel was sure to fall headlong onto their table. Sybil was delighted to meet a huge ex-All Black, and he certainly looked imposing in a Police Cap! If only somebody hadn’t mentioned the War….!
Saturday 30 July at Windy Ridge Wedding and Function Centre – What a wonderful night at Windy Ridge on the 30th July. The night got off to a hilarious start when one of Queen Robyn’s courtiers threw out his hand and his wedding ring went flying! They claimed to work in a medical centre but I feel sure they were all aristocrats out for a night of birthday fun. Manuel’s new wife Barbara relished her new duties and Polly was recognised disguising herself as part of a Dutch family. On the other side of the restaurant 6 men, calling themselves Jim’s Fat Bastards, and apparently they have the T shirts to prove it, confused us all by only answering to the name of Jim and looking like a set of identical sextuplets. A great night that could have gone on into the wee hours of the morning.
Friday 12 August at The Red Shed Palazzo – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW – Lots of birthday celebrations in this evening – from a gorgeous 20 year old to a fabulous lady of nearly 80 years young and lots of ages in between. Also a bunch of horse breeders (who Basil charmingly referred to as “the horse spunk people”), a group of “world innovators” (and we’re still none the wiser as to what they actually do…) and an adorable and lovely English couple who were apparently on their 2-week “date-iversary”. Although with how familiar they seemed with each other and the fact that they weren’t in a rush to get home (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) we suspect it had been a trifle longer.
Luckily for all the guests Sybil decided to forgo her weekend away with Audrey in an effort to prevent Basil from completely ruining their evenings! Clearly he was going to need a few damn good slaps to pull him into line however. Birthday girl Linda managed to find some “friends” to help her celebrate her birthday with her…all were sporting some rather dodgy looking facial hair, the women included, but despite their cosmetic challenges, they seemed to be enjoying themselves. On another table we found the gorgeous Shona who appeared to take a very early shine to our little Manuel despite being in a 12 year relationship and having lesbian tendencies. As she had no ring on her finger, Sybil saw the opportunity for Manuel to get his green card and suggested Shona “take one for the team” and marry Manuel. Her fella didn’t seem to mind, so they were married right there and then. (Not legally of course but details…details!) As usual Basil tried his darnedest to insult everyone in the room, Manuel proved himself to be the most incompetent waiter in the known universe, and Sybil…well Sybil was just her usual fabulous self and managed to save the evening with her dazzling repartee and presence – goodness knows why she puts up with Basil!
Fab evg thanks so much!!! Laughed so much. Very slick! Food was very nice too. Sheryl.
Saturday 13 August at The Red Shed Palazzo – Another busy Bollywood night for our intrepid hoteliers at Hotel Balle Balle! A done-in Roydon and an almost endless cast of potential murderers for the mysterious undercover detective to collar. In the middle of it Franny was putting away the Mimis like her plane was going down, Big Merc was bamboozling everyone with his knife throwing and a weedy Boy Symonds was pining after his little pal Ghaaaaandi innit. Was it the penniless Bugatti Veyron wannabe with his little spanner?Or perhaps the Handbag Hipster did the dirty deed. The tallest Bond Villain in the world from Razistan was also high on the list of suspects not to mention Mrs Gracie Bundle from somewhere called Wigan! Fortunately our heroic sleuth was not alone in sniffing out ne’er do wells as we were graced with the presence of not one but two magnificent Hercule Poirots – the Ustinov and Suchet vintages both in the heart of the action! Eventually all was revealed and the murderer clapped in the fluffiest of irons before all Balle Balle staff and guests got down to throwing some serious Bollywood shapes!
Thank you so much for a great night at the Hotel Ballie Ballie, our group of MG’s really enjoyed the whole evening, and thought your entertainment as wonderful. Brenda
Saturday 27 August – Woolston Club Christchurch – The only fine weekend that Basil and Sybil had a chance to holiday in the lovely province of Christchurch with Audrey and George Basil had to go and upset all good intentions by organising a special event at the Woolston Club with Manuel and Polly. Polly didn’t turn up and Manuel….well was just Manuel so all golf, Gondola rides, Hanmer Springs and ventures to the Middle Earth were cancelled much to Sybil’s discuss.The night did turn up some most iconic people. The Queen for one kept us all on our toes with her demands of attention and Popeye of all people managed to down an ale or two with a full plate of greens. There were wonderful birthdays galore and all had a gay ole time.Thank you for the lovely hospitality and no doubt we will be back…and this time there will be no cancelling of the Middle Earth tours Basil!!
“I just wanted to drop you a quick note to say thank you to you and the guys. I have had great feedback from all the guests, apparently it was a hilarious night!” Vicky
Friday 2 Sept – At the fabulous Acacia Cove Sybil finally found Basil residence with Miss Socialite Social Club Convenor. This woman of well-known party reputation was more than happy to take on the uptight Basil as her flatmate. Sybil is now free to play golf with her dear friend Audrey and the boss’s wife of Acacia Cove. Sybil could not be happier. And as for Acacia Cove…it will never be the same again with Basil on their books!
Saturday 17 Sept – Ferry Bank Hamilton with The Event Company – Mr Faulty, hhhe always hhhit me on the hhhead…hhhard! But hhhe so kind to give me job when I leave my mamma & my papa & my 8 brothers & sisters in Espania & come here for new life. I hhhomesick, si. Mr & Mrs Faulty argue so much at the Ferrybank, lovely place in HHHamilton. They argue so hhhard, that Mr Fawlty had to go to hhhospital. Lucky the staff at Ferrybank look after us, everyone is very nice. Very good company Perry Pery Metal Protection, maybe me can get a job. I coat Mr Faulty in galvanise….he never hit me again. My hhhead hurts. I go sleep now. Bye.
Thursday 13 October – What a great night of Murder and Mystery at the Postmans Leg Glenfield. We were greeted with Flappers all around the Restaurant and some very authentic Bollywood costumes. We had everyone up and getting into the Bollywood Groove including a number showing off his or her Scottish Heritage Bollywood style. We found many interesting weapons among us including pistols, knifes, lead pipes and candle sticks. Who was to know that a magic bullet would also appear and become such lethal weapon? A great night and great fun had by all.
Friday 11 November – What a night of contrasts at the FAULTY TOWERS Gourmet Evening at PEPPER JACKS. On the one hand, we had the local well-heeled glitterati parking their gin palaces on special shelves in the carpark, and on the other some very down-at-heel souls couldn’t even afford to sit in the dining room! The millionaires flashed their cushion-cut rocks the size of doorknobs while an emaciated James May tried to put some meat on his bones via several plates of champagne ham. Little Dame Judi Dench brought a touch of class as an antidote to the (according to Basil), noveau-riche riff-raff. Even though her partner for the evening was the slowest eater in the history of Faulty Gourmet Night, she was the epitome of grace and style – even Sybil could find no sartorial faults. Manuel, despite being used as a human tray for dirty dishes managed to charm The Teachers off their mobile phones, however with no emergency immigration sham-marriage we may be without his total incompetence at the next Gourmet Night. As the evening wound towards its glorious, head-banging climax, the Medicine Man from Medicine Hat tried to get Basil into a sweat lodge and Mr Big from Sex In The City lead the dancing charge. What terrific (if slightly common) company to spend an evening with!
Wednesday 16 November – FAULTY TOWERS. Just how Basil dreams his life will be… beautiful people in beautiful places. At the very ritzy Langham Hotel Basil, Sybil and Manuel laughed with, cajoled and spoke of fine wine and dining to his beautiful people but in the end the true colours of those mischievous two – Basil and Manuel – became apparent to the poor unsuspecting “New Worlders”. Never fear, Sybil would not condone any poor behaviour and gave up an evening of golf with Audrey to keep a tight rein on those two. We had famous Rugby players who preferred to remain anonymous while others, who probably never played Rugby in their lives, took on the character with gusto. George Clooney had a ball looking after his beautiful entourage… what more could a man want? If Basil took time to get some tips from Mr Clooney, Sybil can easily say it didn’t work. Our gorgeous New World owners who played the part of undercover HR wonderfully and people kept a very watchful eye over their Champers while entertaining strays in the Great Room of the Langham Hotel. Not surprisingly Mrs “HR” herself took out “dancer of the evening” with a fine present from Sybil… a gnome!!! New World may your years be as successful as your Little Gardens.
Much Love… the Faulty Team.
Friday 25 November – FAULTY TOWERS at the Red Shed. Loads of laughs were had at the Red Shed Palazzo on Friday night. A large group from “Waiuku Medical” kept Basil, Sybil and Manuel on their toes. Sybil was incredibly envious of a couple who appeared to be newly-weds but in fact had been married blissfully for 6 years and were still very much in love with each other! Basil consulted with a dairy-farmer regarding the size of Sybil’s rump and Manuel romanced the lovely Julia, who could have been on “New Zealand’s got Talent” showing off her amazing dance moves! The Dame Judy Dench lookalike graced the other diners with her presence and Basil was trying to get free accountancy tips from the “Red Office” team…. would we expect anything less of Basil?? A huge thank you to all our lovely guests, we had a “GORGEOUS’ time!
Friday 25 November – Murder at Hotel Balle Balle at Windy Ridge. From the gorgeous point of view of Francesca (Franny) Ramsey:
“Oh what a fabulous night we had at Windy Ridge in little Ohaupo on Friday darlings! A few teensy issues, what with my very temperamental ‘ex’ chef hubbie not being overly talkative and a bit, shall we say, ‘stiff’ sweeties! And of course let us not forget the entirely unprovoked attack I suffered at the hands of that naughty little trollop who had been having an affair with now ‘ex’ hubbie… I was shocked darlings, SHOCKED!! I mean, how VERY dare she…. But apart from those teeny weeny things, what a gorgeous time was had! Though of course I had drunk quite a bit of Mimi darlings so memory may be a trifle blurred. Special mention goes out to little Tama and his superb booty shaking. Every opportunity darlings (and he was given a few!) He was up there shaking his Bollywood bum bum like the superstar he was! (Bloody up-stager!!) Mwah mwah sweeties!!”
Saturday 26 November – Murder at Hotel Balle Balle. An hilarious night at the Red Shed with “Queen June” calling the Shots. The team from NZ Steel were at their steely best. The Bankers and Truckers hit it off while Drury Rotary were trying to bring some decorum to the proceedings. A great night was had by all. We boogied “Bollywood style” till sadly the taxis arrived and bought the evening to its conclusion.
Saturday 26 November – Faulty Towers at Windy Ridge was a hub of activity and laughs. Basil should have listened to Sybil and bought a new smoking table as both Placemakers Morrinsville and Mitre 10 were in the restaurant and happy to give us a deal. But of course, he knew better and missed the opportunity. Probably because he was so distracted by the many lady teachers from Hauraki Plains College, including the lovely Sophie. Manuel fell in love with her and despite her dress that seemed to be full of holes and taking liberties at the buffet with him, he proposed to her. The two large tables of Vapormatic and Rotating Machinery baffled Sybil as to what they do when not out partying… they looked like they baffled themselves. Manuel’s attempts at floral arrangements were appreciated by several customers but Windy Ridge gardens might be a bit bare this week. Another mad night!!
Blog: Friday 2nd December – Murder at Hotel Balle Balle. A hilarious night at Red Shed with Clown face scaring the punters. Pak n Save Pukekohe came dressed to impress and showed us some great Bollywood moves. Wespac kept an eye on the Accountants who had trouble reconciling the night and the combustible team exploded onto the dance floor. A fab night had by all!
We all had a superb time thanks – my team said its been our best xmas dinner yet ! Nigel – Pak n Save
Friday 2 December – where madness and mayhem ensued at Faulty Towers – Windy Ridge. Manuel, desperately seeking a bride to fulﬁl immigration requirements, was inundated with a bevy of beauties, encouraged by Madam Debbie from Dallas, who all craved his attention! Poor boy was frazzled by the end of the night. Basil was convinced Sir David Attenborough was a guest and was rather upset when Sybil started talking to him about Jurassic Park – wrong Attenborough! A young man by the name of Ben, had Sybil and guests convinced that Basil had a love child – tall, dark and very frugal. Despite Manuel only ordering 30 carrots and 40 potatoes, they was plenty of delicious food to go round, so much so, that one large group (Sir Attenborough’s actually) completely jumped the table queue and got Sybil most uptight. All in all, everyone had a super time. Thanks to all our guests, we had a ball!!
Saturday 3 December – Faulty Towers Show. What a busy night Basil had at the Red Shed. First 4 tables of ladies, with the odd man scattered in, all answering to the name of Jan, confused him totally with answers to many of his questions. Some of them are going on a cruise soon… watch out sailors, these ladies know how to enjoy themselves. They did leave before the fire drill was finished or did they think it was for real?! Sybil had to retrieve several guests from the garden and stand over one of them to make sure he finished his meal. He was one of birthday Hayden’s mates who was getting Sybil mixed up with his matron from boarding school (must have been something he ate!) Members of Aztec Builders were also spending time in the garden, perhaps they were secretly building the pergola Sybil has always wanted. It was a night for disappearing acts as Robyn Sexton and partner were to-ing and fro-ing, anything to do with the name? Bonny McPherson joined the wet fit club, who sure know how to move when they have costumes on. Meanwhile poor Manuel couldn’t do anything right for Basil and is probably hoping Polly is feeling better now and can take over.
Saturday 3 December at Windy Ridge – Murder at Hotel Balle Balle Show.
Incident Report: 3 December 2016
Report #: 003274
Police Officer Detective: XXXXXX XXXXXXX (name withheld to protect officers in the field).
Upon entering the premises of Windy Ridge, Ohaupo, a venue for the partakement of food and beverages in a function room for dubious fun and frivolity, I noticed immediately elements of the criminal underworld were in attendance. Dressed all fancy-like, these “guests” included some dodgy vets, lawyers and dentists, shady retail gangsters and a bunch of suspicious types who aim to control the world’s water supply. The entirety of the patrons were observed dancing to what can only be described as Bollywood-style Indian music and all appeared to be delirious with merriment. Located in a small room approximately adjacent to the kitchen I found the body of a personage who was dead and I knew that because XXX was not respiring and did not move when I kicked XXX and therefore he was dead and had no life left in the body. Subsequent discussions with the staff of the aforementioned establishment confirmed that the identity of the cadaver was that of celebrity XXXX XXXXXX XXXXXXX. Further observance of the said situation upon which this report is based drew my attention to some agitated characters, upon which I addressed them, revealing them to be XXXXXXXX XXXXX and XXXXXX XXXXXX and XXXXXXX XXXXXXX, the last of which was later confirmed as XXX XXXX, who I had met previously at Police College. The said XXXX XXXX revealed that XXX already had a suspect in custody and had been XXXXXXXXX at the aforementioned establishment for 3 months following leads on the disappearance of XXXXXXXXXX, XXX XXXXXXXXX. At that time the investigation was handed over to XXX XXXXXXXXXX as I went to the pub for a beer. (see report # 003275).
I confirm that this was a true and accurate record of the aforementioned incident which is aforementioned.
Reporting officer: XXXXXX XXXXXXX.
Saturday 3 December – Faulty Towers. Due to Basil’s ongoing incompetence with Siri, the Faultys arrived late for the Woods Gardeners Christmas bash at Hopetoun Alpha. Thankfully Manuel had managed to rustle up some sort of dinner for the guests. By the time Sybil and Basil arrived all the Woodies had their nosebags firmly strapped on. An interesting collection of guests/riff-raff this week. Weather-beaten gardening types and namby-pamby, soft-handed office folk mixed in together under the leadership of Old Man Wood (and his court of scruffy hipsters). The Dwarf and his twin brother (no beard) had some interesting banter with a cross-dressing yet buff He-Man, while Sybil had her hands full prying Basil from the clutches of a beguiling engineer. For some strange reason everyone seemed to want to buy Manuel a drink, while the Major turned an ever deepening shade of puce as more and more Germans came out of the woodwork. Once Manuel’s strange dinner had been tucked away, the Faultys made a bee-line for exit while the Wood brigade lurched onto the dance floor. As far as we know they are still there!
Thursday 8 December – FAULTY TOWERS AT THE RED SHED. Jamie Oliver may have tried to disguise himself by sitting with Graham Funerals, but Basil spotted him straight away when he booked into Faulty Towers on Thursday. Lucky for him the chef had prepared most of the food otherwise he would have had to put on an apron and cook for the many people there that night. Manuel was totally confused during the evening looking for “bunnies” and only finding Bunnings Pukekohe, but he was consoled when Sybil married him to a lovely young lady. Matchmakers should have performed the ceremony but seemed to be a bit reluctant to step into the limelight. Manuel who claimed his second name was Kebab got married to Donna, laughs all around at Mrs Donna Kebab!! Another Donna, of the Cooper family, convinced Basil she was with swingers which meant the male strippers from Deosan would get plenty of work that night. Tea towels had to be deployed by Sybil to avoid unnecessary exposure during some of the dance routines by their group. The music also brought out 3 amazing male dancers who suddenly appeared from the audience, danced and then disappeared. Another eventful night!
It was a fabulous night and our lot really let their hair down! Everyone has commented on what a good time they had, thanks again. Deosan – Nicola
Would like to thank-you and your team for a great night. The laughs went on all night and the food and staff at the venue were also outstanding, I would recommend it to anyone. Thank-you very much. Matchmaster – Tony
Friday 9 December – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. There wasn’t a dull moment at Red Shed on Friday night. Celebrities were amongst our guests. Dame Helen Mirren was with a large group of nurses preparing for her next role. Sir Ben Kingsley was getting even more spiritual guidance, and Star Trek legend Captain Kirk, aka William Shatner was enjoying his retirement from the Star Ship Enterprise, taking a holiday job growing tomatoes and other various plants at a ‘wee nursery.’ Sybil discovered that the Major had a job at the nursery as a handy man and suggested to Basil that the Major did their odd jobs instead of ‘O’Reilly’. Manuel was highly spirited and at one point was dancing about the room holding yakkas singing Hosanna, from Jesus Christ Superstar!!!! Yes, we had an interesting mix of creativity, from our Hairdressers in Drury with their hair of many colours, folk who grew and nurtured living things, to guests who looked after the dying, dead and those in need. However, everyone rose to the occasion and we had an absolutely fabulous time! Thanks guys, you were a breath of fresh air.
Thank you for a great night of fun and laughter at the Red Shed. Outstanding performance and dinner, enjoyed by all our team. Bereavement Care Services Middlemore Hospital – Ray
Saturday 10 December – Murder at Hotel Balle Balle – Red Shed. What a Balle Balle great night. Even with the death of Franny’s bad tempered five star Michelin Chief and finding out about Roydon’s long time affair with Big Boobie Shontae at Enghouse Interactive we still couldn’t stop the pure love of Bollywood being danced in every corner of the room. Big Boobie Shontae really let Fran know she was definitely number two while Fran could not understand what she saw in her husband at all. Mercedes took a very passionate interest in Mc2Ca Director’s husband. The Director thought this was hilarious as they shared notes on the size of his biceps and his rather powerful frame. Mercedes you have no scruples! The couple who were the only ones with murder weapons made a clean get away, who would have thought? Was it because she looked a lot like Fran? Ascension Homes had their own James (rather old) Bond who had the girls swooning with his skipping. Jaffa Solutions looked amazing and who would have thought that the quiet “Foxy” table of girls could have produced a murderer…you just never know.
Sunday 11 December – FAULTY TOWERS AT THE RED SHED. We were blessed to have Taonga and Whanau Tumanako. A whole heap of Billy T lovers were laughing and giggling their night away. We tried to marry Manuel to a beautiful Pacifica Princess but she decided, and quite rightly so, that she would not betroth herself to a rather nondescript Spanish waiter as her heart was waiting and committed to her prince. “Proud Mary” was a showstopper with a crazy office lady strutting her stuff like there was no tomorrow. The prize for “Best Groover of the night” (a gnome) specially presented by Sybil will certainly be an object of admiration back in the office. It really was a funny and fabulous night. What a lucky community we are to have these angels.
Aroha nui. The Faulty Team.
Monday 12 December – What a wonderful night at Volare in the Gardens. We had a great time entertaining The Nahkle Group and all its staff. The wine was flowing and some amazing Bollywood moves made it to the dance floor. Oh and don’t forget the murder!!!! Thanks for a great night.
Thanks for such a fantastic evening you did such and amazing job and exceeding my expectations. The party wouldn’t of been a success without you being there. Merry Christmas and happy new year! The Gardens Childcare – Micha
Friday 16 December – FAULTY TOWERS at the Red Shed. What a disappointment for Basil, Sybil and Manuel to discover that school teachers behave worse than children when out for the night! It turned out it wasn’t water that Manuel thought he was offered by the thoughtful guests – the poor lad from Barcelona jumped right onto their table in fright as the fiery liquid ran down his throat. The whole restaurant was amazed to witness the awesome spinning and gyrating dance moves of a guest afflicted by an identity crisis. Basil thoughtfully ‘rescued’ a poor girl who was acting furtively as if she were trying to avoid something awful. Oops, it was Basil she was trying to avoid. And with good reason – she had probably seen him chasing Manuel around the restaurant thrashing at him with a leafy branch that looked like it had just been torn off a tree!
Friday 16 December – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at Windy Ridge. Both good and bad Santa turned up to Hotel Balle Balle last night along with a naughty Elf. We had a John Campbell look- a-like grace our presence. The Lawyers shook their bum bums and the Accountants were bus counting their beans. A great night of entertainment was had by all.
Friday 16 December – FAULTY TOWERS AT DAIKOKU, TAKAPUNA.
“Hello bloggy – I am Manuel. I so excited to have bery special guest at Daikouku Restaurant in Takipunis. Si, it was Father Santa Christmas! He give presents to everybody good, which not many cos they from Inland Revenue taxi people. Mr Faulty say they take our money. They seem bery nice to me, specially those nice ladies who will marry me so I can stay in kiwiland & not be in trouble with irrigation. Wow! Those Japan chefs is bery dangerous & clever. The table is so hot they cook on it! I burn my hand. Is ok. Is like a juggling circus when they cook Japan style. I like so much the man cook circus chef let me juggling egg on spatula. He bery good. My egg juggle up & down, up & down, up & down, then went yellow. Everyone stand back. It was best moment of my life. Thank you Daikouku & taxi people. Merry Christmas!”
Saturday 17 December – FAULTY TOWERS. It was all sugar and spice at Faulty Towers at the Red Shed. The famous singers arrived in style, a Hummer convertible no less, with their entourage, including their security man (Old Spice) and guitarist (Denim Spice). They tried to pretend they were hairdressers but Basil and Sybil were not fooled and their dance moves proved they knew how to perform in front of a crowd. Also in disguise was a family that attempted to fool us into thinking they were poor by making their daughter attend in her school uniform and son in his workout gear. They even made them just eat bread when there was plenty of other food available! A large group from Hi Lift Cranes and Tem Transport Ltd were up to something. We think they were hatching a plan to organise moving the Spice Girls to their next gig. They proved they knew about performing though during the dance routines, displaying much enthusiasm and hip gyrations. Sybil went home quite exhausted!
Saturday 17 December – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at Windy Ridge. Hotel Balle Balle….the place of fine Indian cuisine… or is it? Along came a bunch of India loving folks in 1920 and it was to be a night of finery, great music and divine food – until there was a murder. Personalities came unstrung as Fran took to the bottle encouraged by her friends of the night. Mercedes was more interested in his five star Michelin rating with foodie extraordinaire Double Decker than the death of his dear friend Roydon Lambsey. As for Boy, well he was a dark horse. Want to know more? Well then you will just have to come and see. AMAZING COSSIES, lovely people, great night. And Big Boobie Shontae… I am watching you!!! Much Love, Franny Lambsey.
Saturday 4 March – Our first FAULTY TOWERS show of the year at the Red Shed saw much laughter, pain and a lot of “floury” tables – due to Manuel getting the wrong end of the stick again when Basil’s limited Spanish proved him incapable of asking for “flowers” for the tables. A very energetic and diverse group of people travelled from near and far to join the fun. We had a great time celebrating a 70th birthday and also the 28th wedding anniversary of our hilarious couple from Taupo. Sybil had much delight in returning the long lost false fingernail to the bride (along with a handful of coachroaches – which apparently had also been left behind in the honeymoon suite). Although the Faulty Towers show was what our guests had come to see, they also got a preview of Hotel Balle Balle. Manuel wanted to show his potential wife exactly what he would do for her and Sybil was just dying to bring out her inner Bollywood and was thrilled to finally find someone prepared to have a dance-off with her as the uptight Basil simply wouldn’t step up. A fabulous night with a great audience who kept us on our toes… and in stitches!
Thursday 9 March. “When Mr Faulty say we go to Sorrento in the Park, I think we go to Italia. But no, what a mistake! Is nice restaurant at One Tree Hill. Funny name, I see lots of trees. Mr Faulty say I be manager cos he go play golfing with Mrs Faulty and go crazy. But Polly sick so Mr Faulty stay. Not good. He rude to lady even on her birthday. She nice lady and not gerry-aktrik like he say. Her name not even Gerry. We have funny with lovely people. I like Imran Khan who was so nice to help me with new wife. Sorry I mistakey hit Mr Faulty with oven tray. He hurt head hard. Makes a change. He always hit me hard in the head. Sorry to any Germans, it makes Mr Faulty walk funny. I miss Barcelona. It more sleepy and not so painful. Bye bye.” Manuel.
Saturday 29 April – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. What a night of mayhem at the Maraetai Boat club last Saturday. Manuel had planned a night off because it was his birthday, but because Polly was sick, Sybil on her way out, the chef drunk and little organised for Basil’s gourmet restaurant night, he had to work. He was forced to go out in the pouring rain for garden decorations and was fortunate not to be washed away with the high tide lapping under the building. Basil did find a suitable bride for him later though to solve his immigration problem, but then her husband turned up and there was more confusion. Residents from the local retirement village had to turn down their hearing aids because there was so much laughter and the Major dined in as well, still hungover from the ANZAC celebrations. Manuel got so carried away with his birthday wishes he left his guitar behind!
Tuesday 9 May – FAULTY TOWERS at Summerset, Karaka. Sybil was absolutely over the moon that there was so much interest in Basil being able to become a “flat mate” at Summerset Karaka while she enjoyed a spot of golf in Hawaii for a couple of weeks. In fact, there was quite a line up! We had Anne, our World Masters runner, but unfortunately her cooking skills let her down. Unfortunately Mr and Mrs Gnome could not work out the sleeping arrangements. Georgy Porgy could see right through Basil and gave him a big cross. Vorray promised nights of passion but again sadly Basil’s stomach would have echoed empty. So in the end, Summerset’s Queenie (with her royal connections) and Bridgetta (a wonderful cook and woman of Papakura) promised to take great care of Basil. The question is, will Sybil remember to collect Basil? And what did the sleeping Mayor of Gaylord Highlands think…wonderful news…or was it a dream?
Friday 12 May – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at Pepperjacks Restaurant Bar and Café, Beachlands.
I regret to inform you that after a long career fighting crime as a member of Her Majesty’s constabulary, I find myself incarcerated at Her Majesty’s pleasure. I would have got away with my revenge against that so-called celebrity chef Roydon Lamsey had it not been for the meddling of a psychic shaman, Chief Sitting Bull. As I was dazzling the crowd with my supreme deductive powers at that salubrious restaurant Pepperjacks in Beachlands, I found myself clapped in handcuffs! Our murder suspects had been lined up (it was easy to find a bunch of criminal types in Beachlands) and I was just about to declare the notorious villain “Pinky Shaza” the culprit. But up steps Chief Sitting Bull with his dangling pendulum and insists that he use his power to divine who the murderer was. I thought my secret was safe, but he dangled his crystal rock pendant near me and it was moved by a mysterious force. This could only mean I was the murderer! Nice piece of detective work that. Fair cop. Please send soap and cigarettes (and perhaps a chisel or some dynamite).
Your loving son,
Saturday 13 May – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at the Red Shed. “What a gorgeous bunch of people, many of whom had travelled far and wide to join us at Hotel Balle Balle for the evening! Clearly they had heard about our sparkling, world-class hospitality sweeties!! And disappoint we did not, despite the slight unpleasantness around me discovering that the big boobied brazen hussie (who had been having an affair with my wayward gourmet chef hubbie) was boldly sitting at a table in the restaurant AND she had a fiancé darlings!! What a trollop! And then of course someone went and murdered said wayward gourmet chef hubbie – all before dinner had even started! But apart from that it was all tickity-Bombay-boo darlings! Nothing that a bit of Bollywood shaking of one’s groove thing and my dazzling company (not to mention sparkly bits) couldn’t remedy! Hope to see you all again sometime soon sweeties! Til then… Namaste and mwah mwahs!” Franny XXX
Saturday 3 June – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE. On Queen’s Birthday at the local Woolston Club in Christchurch we were blessed with the presence of the “Queen of Woolston”. Her ever-protective husband “007” was forever at her side. The rumour goes, he is known in the district as the “Man who Shoots Blanks” so was hiding behind the alias of “Piorot” for the night. Little did the Queen know her husband would end up as a prime suspect for the murder of Roydon Lambsey. However was not alone! 007 had company with the low life of Woolston. In the line up was the scourge of Christchurch, “The Woolston Flasher” who had the cheek to try and discard the coat in fear of the locals knowing exactly what type of activity took place in the wee hours of the morning. “The Highland Man” with the Fetish Gloves showed his true colours… purple to be precise… was also marked as a prime suspect. Was he worried about his coming out? Not in the slightest!! “Big Boobie Shontae” who took Roydon from his wife Fran on many nights of passion and Bollywood was a face that showed no remorse or consequences. “Double Decker”, one of Roydon’s old fiends was also amongst the accused. Forever tortured by the fact that he never achieved the 5-stars his old friend managed to base his fine dining reputation at Hotel Balle Balle on. Our best-dressed “Zha Zha Pearl” was also in the line up with almond smelling arsenic pills. Where did she come from? Who knows… probably one of Roydon’s many vengeful mistresses. But in the end, the ever vigilant Detective cracked the case and found Fran, Roydon’s wife whom he had cast aside many times for other woman and (if the rumour was correct) Mercedes too, to be the culprit of the evening! Exhausted with the troubles of life she wanted to get rid of her cheating husband. Rumour has it that Fran met up with Agatha after the last Bollywood dance. Because of Agatha’s interest in crime and violence, she has promised to become Fran’s lawyer and together they plan to start the very first Ashram in Prison.
Saturday 10 June. Hotel Balle Balle was infested by a host of failed actors and murderous flappers as our intrepid Frannie, Mercedes and Boy struggled to keep a lid on the powder keg inside Drury School Hall. The Bent Councillor was caught red-handed taking bungs from Jude Law under the table -their flagrant criminality putting them immediately under suspicion. Matt Lucas, sporting a gun as wooden as his acting, hoped to land the part of Dr Evil in the Austin Powers movies, only to realise to his horror that he was a decade or two too late! The Crocheted Crusader was initially prime suspect until she wowed everyone with her word perfect rendition of “Ilkley Moor” throwing a spanner into the investigations of a certain Chief Inspector. Jason Statham and “The-unlucky-one-who-never-gets-married” off Downton Abbey were furious at being overlooked for a part in Balle Balle – the Musical – were they the guilty party? Popeye and the Abba Assassin were also under deep suspicion until Big Boobie hoved into view to focus the attentions of our Suchet-vintage Hercule Poirot. Miss More Pork and her weather-beaten friend had a lot to say about who might be having affairs with whom and ended up under suspicion themselves thanks to a table groaning with weaponry. Throw in Sir Basil with his dodgy lizard recipe, the aged bushmen with their chronic “white powder” habit and a whole squadron of black-shirted, white braces-attired “gangstas” and the scene was set for a night of gastronomic lows, chemical highs and everything in between.
Saturday 8 July – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge, Ohaupo. Basil was thrilled to discover a guest was actually a Doctor – now THIS was the class of person Faulty Towers should be serving! But once Basil realised the doctor needed two pairs of glasses and was celebrating his 70th birthday his fawning changed to concern for any patients. The ‘health club’ and other guests were a lovely group of people, and obviously very keen seeing that they arrived an hour early!”
Saturday 8 July – On a night when FAULTY TOWERS found themselves infested with the “criminals” from “Waywood” Lawyers, Barfoot’s and North Shore Dentists you would think Basil would have gone ballistic…and you would be right! Johnny Depp and The Boy Liam were immediately under Basil’s beady eye, soon to be joined by Wayne the hirsute hipster brewer and his mysterious twin brother. The Dentists meanwhile boasted a bevy of beauties called Sammy, Doug and Trevor, stirring it up with their stroppy mum. While a bald man called Lisa flirted for Torquay. Sybil was taken with the Las Vegas Lovebirds (Steve and Mini Mouse – 2nd time round for both of them) but got quite hot under the collar when Basil tried his gentle art of seduction on one of the Dentists. Manuel had a torrid time being interrogated by Sybil over Basil’s illicit betting and not even the prospect of marrying Waywood Sophie could cheer him up. As ever, the Faulty crew left the guests to turn out the lights, do the washing up and sweep the roof.
Saturday 29 July – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge. On a night of a thousand stars we were graced by a fabulous group of “Waikatoites”. We had young, old and everything in-between to bring laughter, great team spirit and an air of “we have no idea who these people are but they are crazy!” Our panel-beater friends had the best time dressing up as Proud Mary look alikes, or YMCA-ing with Basil and Manuel and then becoming Princesses with Kylie Minogue. They embraced every moment and laughed at us and themselves – just loved them! Sybil tried to get a good price for Basil to do him in with her insurance friends but nobody wanted to touch Basil with a ten-foot barge pole. Sybil could totally understand and has just gone back to many long hours of playing golf with Audrey. We celebrated birthdays that were not birthdays, but who cares – we had a great time anyway! And our romantic couple had nowhere to hide to share that special one on one moment. Last but not least we had our swinging friends of many years kinship. All keys were in the bowl… along with a few coins. We wondered who did end up with who at the end of the night or maybe on a future holiday down the Riviera. Great to see such wonderful long-lasting friendships.
Saturday 5 August – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at Red Shed Palazzo. What great night with a great assortment of guests at Hotel Balle Balle on the 5th of August. We had Counties Manukau Sport as well as Mr and Mrs Smith who proposed to each other. The Scottish Friends Club were there celebrating Diane’s birthday and Jennifer Garner (Miss Cork) and Paris Hilton joined us for the evening. “Bambo” (who was 6’5”) and his friend “Super Willy” were having fun as were Young and his South African friends. The team from Du Pont were there and so was Russell who likes to drive his tractor naked (not that night – thank goodness!) Double Decker and Big Boobie Shantae were causing trouble… we had bras being tested and underpants that had been filled were found in the toilets! We celebrated birthdays and an engagement ceremony for Mr and Mrs Smith from North Carolina. The awards for “Best Dressed and Bum-Bum Shake” went to our gorgeous Maori Queen and Russell the head of Counties Manukau Sport. But next, there was a murder!! Royden was placed outside, then Police Detective Symonds appeared and had a line-up which included of most of the “suspects” mentioned above. He quickly found the murderer – it was Ollie from Du Pont who had the word “hillster” on his jacket which looked suspiciously like the word “killer”. It was all too obvious and he deduced that the victim had been murdered by way of food poisoning no less! But wait a minute… next we had a full confession from someone whom we can’t name in order to protect their family. Ollie was now in the clear! An arrest was made and afterwards everyone was able to relax and continued to party the rest of the night away.
Friday 1 September – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at Whitianga.
What a great night in Whitianga. The locals really let their hair down. The costumes were amazing and the energy in the room was electric. There were some great detectives in the room with some even solving the mystery. What a wonderful community fundraiser for the new local Sea Scout Den. The evening concluded brilliantly with the Mercury Bat Big Band. We all boogied the night away in true Whitianga style.
Saturday 2 September – MURER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at Whitianga. Night two at Hotel Balle Balle Whitianga was a no less rambunctious affair compared to the previous evening’s debauch. After being suitably warmed up by the Mercedes Bigg Mercury Bay Big Band, Franny, Mercedes and poor old Boy arrived to treat their guests to some 5-star Indian cuisine and sublime Bollywood moves. Oddly enough it wasn’t long before they had yet another murder to contend with and no shortage of suspects among the flappers and gangsters in attendance. Fagan’s mob were a notable den of iniquity with a sinister Don presiding over his family of ne’er do wells. The dodgy councillor was doing some sort of deal with the chap from Waterways while the Jewish Arsenic specialist connived with Jane and her Fascinator of Doom and noted critic Double Decker. Despite piles of evidence, the “Fake News” Informer only seemed able to report on the most of trivial matters – think “cat stuck up tree”! Fortunately an undercover Billy Connelly was on hand to help unpick the thorny problem of who was actually the guilty party. That is until, in a dramatic twist of fate, the Big Yin himself was revealed to be the guilty party! Before being carted off for some serious hard labour, auld Billy led the crowd in a rousing Bollywood finale – a great way to finish two nights of carnage at The Flight Club!
Murder at Hotel Balle Balle had audience in stitches By Debbie Wilton The Informer Whitianga
The ongoing labour of love that is the fundraising campaign for a new den for the Whitianga Sea Scouts paid off once again with the huge success of the two Murder at Hotel Balle Balle dinner theatre performances that was held in Whitianga on Friday and Saturday evening last week. Entering the Flight Club Ballroom to the toe-tapping sounds of the Mercury Bay Big Band playing 1920s swing music, guests were transported to England and the Hotel Balle Balle, where they were introduced to Francesca Lambsey (fondly called Franny), wife of egocentric chef, Roydon Lambsey and owner of the infamous establishment. Roydon and Franny have returned from extensive travels in India and brought their best friend, Mercedes Bigg, who worked at the extravagant Bukhara restaurant, with them. Accompanied by their incompetent waiter, Boy Simmons, the “staff” were primed to serve up an evening of mayhem. But not long into the proceedings there was a murder, Roydon was killed and things turned upside down. With more than 180 guests over the two nights, all dressed in 1920s or Bollywood themes, the effort people had gone to was outstanding. Maree Strange, an actress from the group Dinner Theatre at its Best, who played Frannie, says, “What a fabulous couple of nights! We all had an absolute ball and I was blown away by the level of community involvement. Especially in terms of the dress-up, everyone went all out!” Maree and the other actors couldn’t believe their luck on Friday evening when insurance advisor, Rohit Ranchhod arrived dressed as a distinguished English gentleman. “Logic dictates that Rohit should have dressed as a maharajah, but there he was, Panama hat and all,” Maree says. “For the rest of the evening we just couldn’t leave him alone.” Rohit duly received the nickname Double Decker and was summarily the first murder suspect. Saturday evening’s prime suspect was Hot Water Beach resident, Howard Saunders, who came as an Indian Billy Connelly and made such an impression that he was ultimately named as the murderer! Awards for “Best Dressed,” “Bum-Bum Shake” and “Turban Wrap” were all highlights that had the audience in stitches. Guests were both nights treated to a fabulous dinner, courtesy of The Flight Club Ballroom, and outstanding live music from the Mercury Bay Big Band, whose lead singer, Justine Williams was a standout, before local singer and songwriter star, Anita Prime, took to the stage to serenade the guests to the wee hours. For Mike Brown, chairman of the Whitianga Sea Scouts, and his fundraising committee members – Chrissie Reilly, Paula Mackenzie, Fiona Lee and Alissa Swanson – the two evenings couldn’t have gone any better. “We were astounded by the fantastic level of community support we received,” Mike says. “But evenings like these don’t just happen. Without the support of our generous sponsors and many local businesses, they would simply not be possible. “Stacey and Sally Rolton, the owners of New World Whitianga, gave $3,000, which is astonishing. Other major financial sponsors were Anchor Milk, Fagans, The AutoBarn, Whitianga Waterways and The Informer. “Pacific Coast Marine and Diesel and one of our fundraising committee members, Chrissie Reilly, did all the admin, tickets and posters.Lawrence and Paula Mackenzie, the owners of Jandals Café, have two children who are in the Scouts, paid for the band and the actors. The Departure Lounge provided the use of their bar and gave us a donation. Whiti City Cabs provided a reduced rate to take guests to and from The Flight Club Ballroom and The Flight Club Ballroom’s Amy Sammons donated the venue at no charge. “Peninsula Party Hire, More FM, Civic Video and Mercury Bay Garden Centre and Landscape Supplies have also contributed to the success of the two evenings.” With profits from the two evenings expected to be in the order $7,000, the Whitianga Sea Scouts are yet another step closer to reaching the $120,000 goal needed to apply for a grant that will allow them to finally build their new den on land Thames Coromandel District Council allocated to them in Abrahamson Drive.
Sat 30 September FAULTY – Guests gaped in surprise as Basil, Sybil and Manuel arrived outside the Tairua Golf Clubhouse and Basil proceeded to thrash the car with a tree branch. That overheating problem just doesn’t go away!Sybil had her golf hat & clubs all ready for a girl’s date with Audrey, but this was cancelled when she found how disorganised Basil was in the restaurant. It was a night of high society as amongst the distinguished guests there was the Maori Queen of Tairua (forever afterward known as ‘Queenie’), an academic Doctor and Professor (one of whom looked suspiciously like Kim Jong-un disguised as an Indian), a lady who claimed to be Mayor of Tairua, and to Basil’s horror a Hotel Inspector!Sybil helpfully assisted a young man to eat his greens, much to his Mother’s delight, and both Manuel and Basil received good bumps to their heads leading to much confusion. So much warmth and laughter, thanks Tairua!
Friday 24 November – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. The lovely group from Kemsoul were totally confused about what they do during their working hours and were quite unable to answer any of Basil or Sybil’s questions when they turned up for one of the Faulty gourmet dinner nights. Perhaps their HR person just never informed them; she did spend a lot of time laughing. They were all wearing exactly the same bracelet, so perhaps they were some sort of cleaning clone. Sybil got very excited when Manuel spotted Sonny Bill Williams on the next table and had to be constantly reminded not to massage his shoulders and offer to take his shirt off. Mind you, if he had that could have been an extra birthday surprise for Lee, who was celebrating 78 years young. That special occasion inspired Karen to tell Basil she had recently got engaged. She probably wished she hadn’t because Basil’s singing was particularly painful that night. Fortunately some lovely ladies were “volunteered” to join Sybil in her dance, which was followed by a very enthusiastic rendition of YMCA. Add to that the complete shock of early childhood educators leaving their bras behind in the toilets and you will understand that it was another noisy, action packed night at the Red shed.
“I just want to say that we all had a fantastic night on Friday night and the whole family are still talking about it. You all played your characters to an absolute ‘t’ and had just the right mannerisms and lines that we all love and remember from the old Fawlty Towers, with some hilarious modern twists. The amount of energy and enthusiasm that you have to do a show of that length is amazing. My Mum was the 78th Birthday lady and she usually objects to any fuss being made of her at all. You not only managed to get her up the front, but she actually enjoyed it and felt very special, so well done! The venue, food and Red Shed staff were excellent too. We will certainly be recommending the show to others. A lovely Christmas to you, Basil and Manuel too” – Rozanne
Friday 24 November – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at Windy Ridge, Ohaupo. What a great night of fun and laughter was had by all. Santa paid us a visit in disguise, we had a fiery Red Head who stirred the pot a little and a Ninja Warrior Lawyer. Once the murderer had been found we all danced the night away to DJ Bombay Boogie.
Saturday 25 November – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge. The festive season of Faulty Towers at Windy Ridge, Ohaupo kicked off to a rollicking start tonight! An extra table for 8 had to be frantically set up in the bar area only minutes before start time – but these guests had the biggest, friendliest smiles of all. At the opposite end of the room were 2 tables in the alcove in stark contrast to each other- one had young and very painted beauty therapists imbibing with enthusiasm, while the other had a group of seniors who harboured a surprisingly energetic secret! Basil enjoyed talking engineering with the fun team from Quinn Engineering who make elevators for homes – and even tried matching them with the seniors on the next table! Other colourful characters that fascinated Manuel, Sybil and Basil were a surgeon with tattoos, a bleeding doctor, a builder into self-mutilation, and a lady with an amazing garden in her hair that included the most sought-after current garden addition – Myrtle Rust! What a wonderful high note to finish the night it was for Manuel to find a royal to serenade…the lovely Camilla!
Saturday 25 November – HOTEL BALLE BALLE (at Red Shed) was the scene of a gruesome murder, some excellent Bollywood dance moves and home to some decidedly dodgy characters. The Mulligatawny School boasted a bevy of muscle-bound chaps, free-loading farmers, a free-loading teacher and a head teacher under siege from numerous pretenders to her crown! Then there were the doctors and pharmacists (Kurol salespeople) from the Frankly Unmemorable Hospital with some strange rubber fetishes and a shy newlywed! The tone was raised by undercover dynamic duo Poirot and the redoubtable Captain Hastings played with verve and panache by a sprightly Peter Ustinov and David Niven. Stormin’ Norman took out “Merchandiser of the Year” and was a shining beacon of sartorial excellence compared to some of the more… how shall we put it… “informal” patrons. Throw in Sinbad the Ponce and his flapper assassins, a bevy of poisoners, several professional belly dancers, a shameless Big Boobie Shontae, a jealous Double Decker and you had a powder keg of epic proportions. On hand to light the fuse and fan the flames, Franny, Mercedes and Boy brought camp, drunken incompetence to whole new levels. As the murderer was revealed a mass Bollywood boogie kicked off to round out another memorable night at the mighty Hotel Balle Balle.
Friday 1 December – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE. What better way to spend the first night of summer and celebrate the festive season than with ones work colleagues and a bunch of Bollywood obsessed fruitcakes? Well, at the Red Shed in Drury on Friday that’s exactly what a local bunch of Accountants, Engineers, Recruitment consultants, Builders and Z sweeties did – and what a rollicking good time they had darlings! There was that small unpleasantness of the murder (and the food critic/accountant manager with nasty bowel issues), but apart from that it was all Tickety Bombay boo. ‘Twas a fabulous night of merriment which saw a couple of young builders find their true vocation as Bollywood bootie shakers!
“Our team had a blast last Friday we did the Faulty Towers show a couple of years back and both of the acts are awesome, we all had a lot of fun – it is a great way to bring the team together with their partners” – Hayden
Saturday 2 December – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. Another chaotic gourmet night at the Red Shed for our intrepid Faulty crew to navigate. After eventually herding “all these awful proles” (as Basil referred to them) to their tables from all corners of the Red Shed grounds, the scale of Basil’s lack of forward planning became clear. One hundred and thirty gourmet diners and no food! The raucous “Haemos” led by a Hawaiian-shirted ageing Val Kilmer struck the early chords of discontent as Manuel misunderstood 100% of Basil’s instructions. The Seventies table from the Crumbling Lockwood brigade complete with an incomprehensible Scouser were treated to some gracious tips on how to understand Liverpudlian – however this mainly fell on deaf ears as most of the group could not take their eyes off Medallion Man whose glued-on sideburns were most definitely wearing HIM and not the other way around. A group of nurses “on the lash” from Torquay Surgical were eyeing up the talent but most of it was either far too young (Tina’s wee lads) or too far gone (Mel’s toy boys). However a Rey from Star Wars lookalike among them decided to offer selfies for $20. (Sadly there were no takers). Sybil tried to appease the wrath of the guests with some dancing and even presented a cheque to the already-rich Kung-Fu Panda. Manuel did find love from the bashful Nina but in the end a sad incident involving a tray and Basil’s head meant the motley guests were abandoned by their hosts to look for Germans while dancing the night away.
Saturday 2 December – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE. What an awesome night was had by all. Windy Ridge was pumping. We had people from as far away as Napier, early childhood teachers the odd lawyer and a few local chemists. Thanks for a great night!
Thursday 7 December – FAULTY TOWERS at Red Shed Palazzo. Oh, what night! We had everyone having a wonderful time. Groups enjoyed the show from outside and some even made good use of the “smoking table” that Basil asked Manuel to get. We had some birthday and wedding celebrations (see photos attached) and I believe some might have even renewed their wedding vows. There was some crazy dancing with YMCA and Locomotion songs through the night and special prizes handed to those who danced the best. A fun night was had by all.
Friday 8 December – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. Basil knew it was going to be a noisy night at the Red Shed when he discovered the Chippendales male strippers group were pretending to be steelworkers from the local mill. The restaurant doesn’t have a license for their sort of show but a few of them did dance (with their clothes on) and showed us some great moves. On the other side of the room the Collins group confused Basil all night dressed up as various 70’s TV and pop personalities. They proved that that era produced some amazing music and movement and were very enthusiastic in helping out when Sybil realised Basil had not ordered a band for the evening. With Polly missing the whole night and her replacement drinking on the job it was bound to be noisy chaos.
Saturday 9 December – What a great night at HOTEL BALLE BALLE. We were blessed with the presence of Mr & Mrs Santa Claus who gave an example of what wedding vows should be used with a lovely wedding ceremony performed in front of a young Bride to be. Mr Hickey was seen shaking his Bum Bum to some great Bollywood music. Bruce Forsyth made a special appearance and won best dressed and a very talented hair dresser won best turban tying with an awesome effort. The dancing and fun went late into the night.
Saturday 9 December – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge. Another busy night at Faulty Towers catering for a large group from a local trucking company. They tried to convince Sybil that they were doctors and nurses but she quickly saw through that ruse, especially when Manuel and Basil got injured at various times of the night and they didn’t jump up and administer first aid. A group of teachers from Tokoroa (?) School joined in all the fun and Basil thought he could use the caretaker’s skills to fix a few things like the smoking table and the vacuum cleaner but he turned out to be much more capable at dancing. There was much cause for celebration with us congratulating Dot and John on 54 years of marriage and actually marrying a couple on stage because they couldn’t advise Basil or Sybil earlier in the evening whether they were or not. Marriage was certainly in the air that night as Alana agreed to marry Manuel to help his immigration problem. Management were very happy to finally get that issue resolved.
Monday 11 December – FAULTY TOWERS at Volare. And so, the Faulty team returned to help celebrate the success of the wonderful staff from The Gardens Childcare Centres. There was so much song and cheer led by the lovely Moana and the very regal Fijian Queenas staff members were treated to flowers, gifts and wonderful words from Micha. Lady Margo and her forever faithful husband Phillip made sure our airs and graces were followed to the absolute T. Try as she may to educate Basil in the finer art of speech and dress, he took no notice and left poor Lady Margo speechless. Merry Christmas to all and especially our Virgin Marys who were all carrying quite a bundle…. maybe it is in the water!!
Friday 15 December – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge. What a great assembly of guests awaited Basil, Sybil and Manuel this evening. You know it is going to be a good night when 3 large tables are filled with Funeral Directors. They may be sombre in their day job but showed they can enjoy life too by converting Sybil’s tea-towels into shirts. One of them had obviously spent a lifetime inhaling formaldehyde fumes as he was still alive despite advanced age! However Basil ‘smelt a rat’ when the Waikato DHB was seated nearby, as the connection between the two parties was too much for Basil to ignore – until he realised the DHB’s psychiatrists were observing him intently! The party named ‘Versatile’ included a skinny young man with one leg thoroughly tattooed, and a facial piercing. Obviously very versatile. Manual brought a garden gnome into the restaurant and immediately found an exact look-alike in one cheerful guest subsequently renamed ‘The Gnome’! Basil was horrified to find a table of Germans (which included the jobless Ryan and a Colonel Klink posing as a simple guest) and did his best to not mention the war! Of course he failed miserably at that, but succeeded in removing Manuel from standing on a table by carrying him away on his shoulders. Manuel went from the Gnome to serenading the lovely ‘Sexy Lexie Lexina’, and even Sybil got thoroughly caught up in the twisted upside-down debacle that was the simple act of vacuuming up Manuel’s flour mess.
Friday 15 December – FAULTY TOWERS at Red Shed. What an exciting night. Manuel had some of his family visiting this evening which made for a great locomotion train. Basil, Sybil and Manuel were having so much fun that they almost forgot to get everyone up for their desserts. Fun was had by all. Lots of birthday celebrations. A real Xmas feel had by all.
Saturday 16 December. MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE was a hit at Windy Ridge on Saturday night. We couldn’t rely on the optometrists to solve our murder as they were all as blind as bats – however they still managed to do some amazing bum bum shaking. Our friendly friends took out the evening with their wit and humour and we became much wiser on our calf rearing skills. The murder was solved and Waikato can now rest easy for Christmas.
Saturday 16 December – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW at the Red Shed…
“Dear Father Santa Christian – North Pole, Anarcica (brrrr…),
I always try be good boy but Mr Faulty always say I bad! Is not true. I am very kind to my hamster and all the guestys. I would like a new job for Chrismas. This job give me a concussion. Also I would like a new cage for Basil my hamster. He always escapeing.
Mucho Amore, Manuel. XX”
On behalf of the team from FAULTY TOWERS and MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE, to all our guests during 2017 we thank you for your business and wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY and LAUGHTER FILLED NEW YEAR!
Friday 25 March. On a “cloudless” lazy hazy day the Faulty Trio Basil, Sybil and Manuel had such fun with Elive and their connecting “cloudterians” over business lunch. Mikey tried to hide in the background, but Sybil noticed those brilliant white pants and bulging muscles beneath a crisp blue shirt. How she dreamed of Basil to adorn such neatness and golfing brilliance…. alas it is not to be so. Basil instead spoke of systems with no boundaries and servers that spoke in languages with far too many symbols and not enough proper words for Sybil. No wonder Harold Robins, a good glass of wine and the finest chocolates speak in much more logical terms. She did find a friend as a hippy computer geek who still lived with his mother!! After many wines our handsome IT red head lead the locomotion dance as it snaked around Tom Tom Bar and Eatery taking on a life of its own. Manuel did find his gorgeous true love he met that afternoon. I am sure they will have many beautiful happy children.
Friday 25 May – FAULTY TOWERS – It was off to “The Shires” at Waiuku for a night of jolly Faulty carnage amongst the 6-toed faithful. Before the proceedings had even got under way Basil was accosted by a fortune teller draped in vintage fox! Sybil, ever eager to fraternise with wealthy men of a certain vintage, wasted no time walking into the affections of a New Lynn factory magnate dripping with gold. Manuel as usual got the wrong end of many a stick (including some from the garden). Basil locked the doors with the pronouncement that anyone ignorant enough to be late would have to eat in the car park. Sadly this meant several guests had to climb in through the window while his back was turned! Two young hipsters were given some pointers in the romance department by a bryll-creamed lothario (not Basil). One of them hadn’t even managed to do up his fly for goodness sake. The Major (approximately aged 150) and Terry “Two Pints” thought they had managed to hide away in a corner – fatal error! A local lovely was married off to Manuel to avoid the perennial immigration issues that beset poor old Basil’s life. With a massive conga line snaking around the carpark we rounded off another night of amazingly consistent bedlam.
Wednesday 30 May 2018 – FAULTY TOWERS – As we slipped into the inky black on the Lakeland Queen in Rotorua guided by the vividness of the full moon, a group of vibration analysts and engineering minds were ready to unleash their humour. We fished out those men and woman who really knew their vibrating motor sounds with a game of “guess that sound”. I really do believe they should add this skill to their CV’S as I am sure this will make them in very hot demand indeed! Gone are the days of men and woman with oil under their nails, unshaven beads (including the woman) and dirty overalls who couldn’t hold a conversation. There were plenty of engineers happy to talk about their vibrational brilliances or laugh at as such crazy things. A great night to say the least.
We all had a ball both with the entertainment and venue/catering and good to see everyone was a good sport about it including the staff ” – Glen
Friday 15 June 2018 – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge.
It is Manuel. I am writing and asking to come and live with you at your Old People place in Towelwronga.
Polly is helping me write this letter cos my English is bery good but I sometimes get contused.
Many old timers from your house visited us at Windy Ridge in Oh-How-Pooh and I like them very much. Thanking to the boys from Number Eight something for bringing them. Mr Faulty said they would be rinkerly, but some of the men were very smooth on top. Mr Faulty gave the Major a helmet to wear to keep his head warm.
The senorita’s were bery good at dancing and had busy hands which was a shock but bery nice.
One lady Karen’s mum said she would marry me so I won’t get in trouble with the irrigation department. I sing her love song. She like bery much. But then I working and she go and I not see her again. I think she lives at your old house. She said it was bery nice there, so I want to live there too.
I can wait on tables. Mrs Faulty gets mad when I do that. She said it leave footprints on table.
Mr Faulty always hit me on head hard. Please help me and tell Karen’s mum I am coming for her.
thanking you muchos,
Saturday 23 June – FAULTY TOWERS at the Red Shed.
Itsza Manuel here,
I was told bya Mr Faultee not to mention the war. “Which War?” I say. Hea say “just don’t mention war, the Germans are here.” Hesa crazy Mr Faultee.
We did in fact have 92 lovealee guess come to the dinna xperience. I partickulee like the dress-ups and dancsing witha owl guess. YMCA wasa very funny and our Tom Petty lookalike won a prize for best moves and took home a garden knome. We havea lovely Finnish girl. I’ma from Espania, I sing to her and make her my wife. She shy, but she have nice hands. Manuel lovea her.
I losea my Siberian hamster in the restarante. I had to call his name out…. “Basil” “Basil” “Basil.” Oh, ah Mr Faultee wasa nota very happy witha Manuel.
We havea nicea celebration fora Jeff and Jenny. Theya lovealee couple. I wasa ravished bya Miss Madonna lady and Mr Faultee losea button from special Jacket. Mr Faultee in trouble for special drink for other lady. Mrs Faultee nota happy lady from that.
Dragonfly, it won! It won! Mr Faultee say I know nothing. So I know nothing, but I learn. Mrs Faultee find out we been betting, shea not happy.
After dessert and more drinks, everybody laughfing and chatting and enjoy evening. I hear that people come far away in New Zealand to see dinna theatre with Manuel and Mr and Mrs Faultee. Oh Polly say she hasa Gonerreha, but better now.
Friday 6 July – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge. Mrs Faulty was not happy about missing her weekend with Audrey, especially as Basil had made a complete mess of the organisation for dinner that night. A table of four were located off to the side, miles away from interaction with other guests. Sybil put her foot down and insisted Basil and Manuel move the whole table to join on the end of PML Engineering and just managed to stop all the cutlery that fell on the floor from being set back on the table. The foursome called themselves the “Margaritas” but it was just as well they didn’t order that at the bar because Manuel would have made an absolute mess of that too. Then Basil made a complete fool of himself not believing he was surrounded by women engineers and got himself into further hot water by insisting women should be at home looking after children. Fortunately the other group at the restaurant, octogenarians calling themselves a “Friendship Society”, had the luxury of all turning their hearing aids off when he came near. They turned them back on again when Manuel claimed the wheelchair lady up for a dance. And there was much hilarity as she spun off in her electric chair, feather boa flying, with a Locomotion chain trying to keep up with her.
Saturday 28 July – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at the Red Shed.
MISSING PERSON’S REPORT
MISSING PERSON’S NAME: Ms Gaye Symmonds.
STATUS: Still missing.
LAST SEEN: Hotel Balle Balle, Red Shed Palazzio, Drury.
CIRCUMSTANCE OF DISAPPEARANCE:
Went to work in kitchen for celebrity chef Roydon Lambsey.
At that location there were multiple birthday parties for a number of enthusiastic ladies – including Michelle, Veronica, Maori/Indian Princess Tamai and Big Boobie Shontae.
The dancing Indian Bollywood-style induced a frenzied state of euphoria in the crowd.
Notable associates included gangsters “Sparrow” and “Big Mike”, (who are suspected of murder, robbery and being rude) as well as the infamous “drug cartel Phillip.”
Sparrow’s weapon had to be confiscated by management, but tests ascertained he was only firing blanks.
On inspecting the premises, the aforementioned missing person was found to be missing.
– The singing of “happy birthday”.
– Dancing on the table.
– Dressing up in a sari & turban.
– Knife throwing.
– Veterinary care.
– Eating & drinking.
– Sore head.
– Making of new friends.
– Laughing too loudly.
– Death (see autopsy report).
NOTES & RECOMMENDATIONS:
Due to the dodgy nature of the characters frequenting this location, recommend Hotel Balle Balle be put under constant surveillance.
Officer on Duty
Saturday 1 September – What a laugh! …..Murder at Hotel Balle arrive and set the scene for a great night of Bollywood until Roydon was murdered. Then suspense, intrigue and a whole room of potential murderers plotted between frenemies; blaming each other and hiding true motives between bum bum shaking competitions, turban tying and Bollywood dancing.
We really thought it could have been Mafia Mary, Knuckles, Four Finger Freddy, Big Ben or the Horrible Woman’s Institute. In the end it was the socialite of Maraetai Beach Boat Club, the dear leprechaun Clare, undercover investigator of Boy Simmons. Who would have guessed!!!
“Just wanted to say a big thank you from us all for such a great show on Saturday night! You guys are amazing and made the evening into such a lot of fun! We have had some great feedback already!
Please also pass on our thanks to Red Shed Palazzo for looking after us all so well too. The food was delicious”! – Liz
Friday 16 November – FAULTY TOWERS SHOW. The Shires is a lovely little restaurant in Waiuku, staffed by a fantastic team of delightful people. What a shame that the bungling duo Basil and Manuel couldn’t sort out a simple meal on the occasion of the 7th Birthday of The Shires. Fortunately Sybil and The Shires’ team were on hand to sort things out! And what a wonderfully varied group of customers there were… Basil recognised the dodgy car salesman who sold him his current car, Santa Claus was there incognito – or so he thought! Sybil’s garden gnome found his identical twin, and a father celebrating his 49th birthday willingly offered up his 16 year old daughter to help Manuel with his immigration problem! Basil got frustrated with Manuel and kicked him out – only to have him climb in the window into the laps of a couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Manuel led the Locomotion dancers down the main street where a cruising police car turned on their lights and siren to scare him back inside! And that eternal incompetent Basil even forgot The Shires special birthday cake which was supposed to be the highlight of the evening! Basil, Sybil and Manuel had to come rushing back into the restaurant and try to make amends. Won’t they ever learn?
Friday 23 November – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at the Red Shed. Mercedes Bigg always “likes a bit of butch” about the Balle Balle. And he was not disappointed by “Knuckles” who led a crew of salty gangsters and flappers. The hapless Boy Symmonds was embroiled in a deep-undercover operation with the Takanini Feeders who not only had a murderer in their ranks in the shape of a dodgy Davy Crockett look-alike, but also a book cooker and general swindler! The Feeders left with a lot of soul searching into their hiring policies! Franny was especially trolleyed all night and was finding reasons to be jealous of every batting eyelash. B.B. Shontae was not even the most flagrant offender in the fight for Roydon’s Dahl. Poor old Double Decker was subjected to much harassment and word is he still has not submitted his review of the curry ice cream. Some of the most shambolic turban and sari tying that we have ever witnessed at Hotel Balle Balle was in sharp contrast to some of the finest Bollywood dance moves. It really was a night of the sublime and the ridiculous!
Friday 23 November – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge. What a very varied group of people booked a gourmet meal at Faulty Towers last Friday, but not everyone had read the dress code. Basil got cross with all the T shirts, jeans, shorts and loud shirts the men were wearing and only the priest sitting opposite the heavily pregnant Virgin Mary was complimented on his attire. She obviously got Bethlehem somehow mixed up with Ohaupo in the GPS on the donkey and stumbled into a group of MRV Christine, Complete hydraulics and a contingent of Prime Ministers of India (at least 8 of them). The Consultant Engineers on the high table tried to remain incognito but Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue and Sue at the opposite end of the restaurant joined in the fun along with Anna celebrating her 48th birthday. Manuel was very fortunate to serenade Melanie who was wearing a dress with a front zipper that Sybil had to stop Basil from leering at. Despite crockery on the floor, toilet mops on the table and fly spray the Health and Safety Lady didn’t spot the misdemeanours and Faulty Towers got away with it again.
Saturday 24 November – FAULTY TOWERS at Red Shed
MISSING: pet HAMSTER, answers to name of BASIL.
Lost from Faulty Towers Restaurant Red Shed Palazzo during loco 84th birthday parties and work Christmas eat and drinking too mucho. Very sad friend Manuel miss hamster lots. Mr Faulty says is rat! Is not rat, is Filigree Siberian Hamster. I think it go under table of nice ladies from money lenders. They very scared and jump high. I crawl under table. Mrs Faulty very mad. I hope my new wife like pets. Princess Fiona and Shrek have anniversary, but I think only pet they have is Donkey. The Major and Miss Tibbs and Miss Gadsby no see hamster too. No too Karen Carpenter and Patrick Stewart who were nice peoples. The Major and Patrick both have shiny head. Manuel sad he loss pet. But happy to dance YMCA with cool rapper dude with lots of bling. Cher bro! If you find Basil the Hamster please return. Gracios.
Thursday 29 November – FAULTY TOWERS at Red Shed. Tonight was so much fun. We had the crazy Town & Country Vets, Pukekohe Netball and many other fabulous people join us for an evening of madness and mayhem. Basil had a smashing time with the Town & Country Vets by trying to get his leg over but kept getting foiled by Sybil as she ensured Basil was behaving himself and keeping all the guests fed and entertained. Happily Manuel found himself a wife and the ceremony was a most harmonious one indeed. There was a long queue (or a far queue) in the ladies toilets according to both Manuel and Pukekohe Netball – must have been something in the wine… er… water. YMCA and Locomotion songs had all up for a good time of 70’s style booty shaking and dancing. With flies and a fire alarm in the restaurant, the end of the evening saw poor Basil getting a bang to the head and needing to go to hospital. Don’t worry, the doctor says he’ll be up and about and back to normal again in no time at all – but then again who’s to say what Basil’s “normal” is?
Friday 30 November – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at the Red Shed. Oh what an utterly splendid evening at Hotel Balle Balle! I had on my most divine attire and received much adoration and admiration from all of our valued guests. Unfortunately there were some sinister happenings that really turned everything topsy-turvy and this resulted in Franny getting absolutely trashed on her ridiculous lolly water. There were some very fishy guests, and I’m not talking about just the odour that sprang from the salty sea dog Popeye’s unwashed anatomy! Freddy from the graveyard was wearing the most appalling outfit, my eyes burned. What a crime to fashion and he deserves a life sentence! Slippery Dick also was in attendance, ironically dressed all in pure white…when it was pretty apparent to all that his heart, soul and mind were anything but pure! We were even graced by a lovely Giant, a first in Hotel Balle Balle history. Our old nemesis Double Decker was present and spent the whole evening seething with envy at our delectable cuisine. Thankfully our yummy looking but hopeless waiter Boy turned out to be still yummy looking but remarkably not hopeless as he pieced together the clues to bring Roydon’s filthy murderer to justice. Flat Cap from the north who wasn’t actually from the north…the dirty dog! Then we all had a jolly good old Bollywood boogie and I enjoyed a glass of Sherry. What a night!
Saturday 1 December – FAULTY TOWERS at the Red Shed. Madness and so much fun cannot even start to describe the shenanigans that went on! Sybil had left Manuel to do one easy job – the table names. He turned Speedy Freight into a freight drug dealing company. Starship became the poor underpaid nurses where the gorgeous Pocahontas was the attention of Basil’s unfailing affection. (Luckily, she was able to ditch him before the night end and boogied all night long). Mr McPhee who had kindly come again and brought more friends became Mr McPoo. It really didn’t seem to bother him and as the night lengthened his grin got bigger and he vowed they would all come again! Ole Mrs Cranberry got a birthday shout out fit for any gal in her 70’s as well as a birthday promise from her gummy husband that we definitely will not be mentioning. Her geriatric rockers laughed their socks off and had to keep prodding poor Major to keep him awake amongst all the racket… that’s what sleeping the trenches can do. Pope Sandra tried to keep the night in order but failed so hopefully she is up for re-election next year to try again. The nosey physiatrist just couldn’t understand why a romantic couple came to such an establishment and why Mrs Pee-Thomas wanted to celebrate her 60th, but after a few pink gins became just as mad as the rest of them. Hunua School has a new mantra of “HUUUUUAAAAA” to be sung at sports days and the beginnings of all assembles – especially since the principal is leaving and the new unsuspecting person will have no idea this is not part of the norm. Madness I say, pure madness!!!!
Saturday 1 December – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge. Basil, Sybil and Manuel were so confused. There were so many people all called Ray White – perhaps they were having a reunion? When it was time for dinner the whole restaurant was treated to a very special Grace eloquently voiced by a gentleman from the St Columba’s Catholic School (Basil chose the one who looked most like Jesus, he thought that would be most appropriate). The two tables of Riverside Electrical people were just so typical of a ‘work do’, with the table of “management” made to look quite conservative compared to the table of the “tradies” and their partners – perhaps enough said. Manuel was so fortunate to find a lovely (somewhat) willing bride in Lizzie, and who would have believed their luck that an equally willing marriage celebrant was in the restaurant! A couple celebrating their recent consummation (Basil isn’t sure what that means) didn’t want to stand up and make a big fuss of it, so Sybil and Manuel got the whole restaurant to stand instead! Another couple celebrating their 49th wedding anniversary were too reluctant to come to the stage for the celebration, so the ‘consummate couple’ and an escaped prison guard came to their table for a joint celebration instead. Basil, Sybil and Manuel like to think nobody goes unrecognised for their special achievements!
Hi, Thanks very much for a fun filled entertaining evening. I laughed so much I had a headache. Our whole group thoroughly enjoyed the entertainment, show and meal. Thanks again for a great evening and we all wish you a Merry Christmas and great New Year. Colleen
Friday 7 December – FAULTY TOWERS at the Red Shed. All Richard and Leah wanted was a quiet night out together where they could contemplate being married – after they get divorced from their current spouses! It was that last bit that just threw Basil, Sybil and Manuel, and things generally got crazier after that. Thankfully for the establishment’s sensibilities it turned out that older guy with Helen was actually her Dad, not her sugar-daddy! A bunch of caregivers from an old-folks home were having a merry old time – but who was looking after their poor old folks back at the village? An odd group of bookworms were trying to hide in the corner, and a slalom-skiing old man with sticks kept the hosts on their toes making sure he didn’t topple over Manuel’s vacuum cleaner! Frontier Pools provided an odd assortment of guests, which included someone from Immigration who thankfully looked the other way as the ever-obliging Vanessa became Manuel’s bride. But wait, there’s more… Vanessas that is! Another Vanessa was celebrating her 30th birthday and someone from Frontier Pools sporting a rats-tail on their head (and looking suspiciously like a man) also called themselves Vanessa! It was all very confusing indeed for poor Manuel, Sybil and Basil.
Saturday 8 December – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at the Red Shed.
“Well, well, well! It is I, Mercedes, the most sensational Maître De. And what an absolute rocker of a night we had last week at Hotel Balle Balle. There were an extraordinary number of patrons who graced us with their presence and much merry revelry took place throughout the evening. There were some awfully suspicious characters who let off some very fishy odours, such as the South African Lovers, Chris Corpse and Nigel (a most peculiar gentlemen who was very persistent in his endeavours to upstage me – but let me tell you NO ONE upstages Mercedes Bigg!). After some serious investigation throughout the evening, I am relieved to say that as well as having a jolly good old bolly among the holly with our guests, we were also successful in apprehending the criminal within our midst and all is now well again here at Hotel Balle Balle! M.B.”
Sunday 9 December – FAULTY TOWERS at Allely Estate, Kumeu. The Faulty crew found themselves ensconced hosting the Babich family, doyennes of the viticulture world. Basil was very much at home among the “well-to-do wine buffs” and tried to show off his knowledge of the boudoir of the grape… “Some people don’t know the difference between a Bordeaux and Claret”. Meanwhile Sybil fixated on the Napa Valley wine billionaires and a poor Indian Guru whose wife was forever on her way from the airport. Manuel caused a stir by joining the haute cuisine food train, it was just a shame his contribution was Chicken McNuggets! After denuding the Allely hydrangeas in the pursuit of garden decor, he serenaded a beauty who was conveniently already in a wedding dress. Plenty of other folk were subjected to the Faulty treatment including a garden gnome come to life and a young woman who refused to take off her dressing gown. Judith Collins (or was it Mrs Babich) finally managed to sack the Faultys and bring on a statue-like DJ to coax the winos onto the dance floor.
Friday 14 December – FAULTY TOWERS at the Red Shed.
Merry happy Christian to you this fustive seasoning.
I love you mama. I am writing in English because Mr Faulty says I must learn to read and write English very good or because a monkey would be cheaper. It is working very hard at the restaurant but I like talking to Polly. She sick last week, making me working ever harder. The staff at Red Shed Pallazzo are so nice – even William who cuts the pig. Mucho yummy, mummy! I find two ladies who very hot for me. I sing song for Deborah, but later when I went to take her on honeymoon, she gone. Yikey! Without wife I still have irrigation problem so may get reported. It will be very good to see you in Barcelona mama, but I will miss my Red Shed friends. The other night Madonna was there with her bodyguard. I thought she too young to be the Madonna, and her name was not Mary. Mr Purple was funny, but one man eat too much. When he dance, he wobbled. Rochelle had birthday with cake, we sing her happy song. She happy too. I will miss them.
God bless you mama. Pray for God to send me wife.
Saturday 15 December – MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE at the Red Shed.
“Well Franny, Boy and myself thoroughly enjoyed entertaining our final guests for the year at Hotel Balle Balle. We had an absolutely marvellous shindig, complete with much booty-shaking and rigorous head-wobbling. It was terrific fun to bollywood with everyone, especially the nurses. Now it is time for me, your host, to sign off for the year and say “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” from all of us at Hotel Balle Balle. I am just about to board the boat for India, where I shall recline and bask in the glory of the sun over the next three weeks and perhaps bring back some new and exciting tastes of India for you all in the New Year!”
Saturday 15 December – FAULTY TOWERS at Windy Ridge. Mysterious Moments at Manuel Towers
Our intrepid reporter disguised himself as one of the David Watts to investigate Faulty Towers and rumours that Manuel had taken over. But everything was as clear as mud and he was left with lots of questions and few answers. Where was the list of jobs for Basil that Sybil had composed so she could go to Audrey’s for some pampering in preparation for Christmas shopping? Why was Manuel making paella when none appeared on the buffet? Why can’t the restaurant afford pepper grinders and who gave Manuel a hammer to crush the corns? What happened to the valuable Christmas presents guests were expecting? Even the guests were experiencing weird happenings. On the E4 and Best Electrical tables one young man had forgotten his trousers and wore his undershorts all evening, another couldn’t afford a full haircut as it was very long on top and a crewcut underneath and another tried to get his partner to dance but ended up wearing the tutu himself. Even when joined by Therese and Peter (after Manuel had stolen their table) all the wiring seemed misconnected with these live wire types. On other tables there was another mystery; where were the Stick people? Some sort of fairy tale was being played out with the Three Little Pigs story as the theme. But despite the Straw Warehouse and the Bricklayers turning up none of us spotted any Stick people. And who was looking after all the sick people in the Hamilton area? The room was dominated by Hospice nurses and the Hillcrest Medical group, some half-dressed (apparently it’s typical that Basil noticed the half-naked ladies), several men wearing strange scrubs with Christmas trees or pictures of Christ and crowns and one man had a skeleton tie and a timepiece. Not sure that would fill me with hope consulting him with a sore throat. I would quickly be shunted off to see Manuel’s aunt over on the hospice table. At my table there was so much laughter and wine they probably didn’t realise they had an extra David Watt amongst them trying to work out why they had all been friends for 40 years. Probably had something to do with the lady who took advantage of Manuel in the toilet and came back with a very big smile on her face – anything to do with the way he used his vacuum cleaner extension? I’m just no nearer to solving these mysteries and have had to go for a lie down.
Saturday 15 December – FAULTY TOWERS at the Okahu Restaurant, Orakei. DON’T MENTION THE WAR! Despite a room full of Germans gathered to celebrate Stella’s 80th birthday, Basil’s war-tourettes was in overdrive! Several Germans were singled out for special greeting – the “Know it all” seemed to Basil like he wanted to run the place. The “Baldy” faced the prospect of a frosty ride home after marital relations were plunged into the deep freeze, no doubt fuelled by Basil’s love of trying to make everyone else’s marriage as miserable as his! Wee Jess was cajoled into having a flutter on the gee-gees – one wonders how this will go down with her pals at school on Monday! Manuel was up to his usual incompetence – though why a poor pohutakawa had to suffer for the German’s festive centre-pieces is anyone’s guess. At least the tide was in so he couldn’t get to the seaweed! Speaking of the seaside, Sybil had her hands full trying to separate two canoodling limpets, it looked like she was going to have to throw a bucket of cold water on them at one point! After Manuel wooed an enthusiastic Penny and the group sang a beautiful rendition of German “Happy Birthday” (in English!), it was time for the Faulty’s to sail into the sunset. Goodness knows how the cake survived!
Tuesday 18 December – FAULTY TOWERS at the Red Shed. Tonight the Faulty’s hosted the Manurewa Cosmopolitans. Despite arriving extremely late, with Basil having to board their bus and drag them into the dining room, the Cosmos were in the mood to party. There was admittedly some confusion around the term Cosmopolitan – Manuel seemed to think they were from the fashion mag of the same name, Sybil thought they just liked drinking Cosmopolitans and as for Basil, well he just thought they were mostly riff-raff! On close inspection, the Cosmos were an odd collection of bed-fellows. From Sean Connery and his two Queens, to the bum-fluff-boy-band (including lead singer Prince William), not to mention Manuel’s paramour Nikki and Trish/Pat/Trisha/Patricia/Patsy, the Faulty’s were kept on their toes throughout. Christmas was ruined and then saved by a combination of Basil’s incompetence and Manuel stumbling across a sack of real presents. A bizarre turn of events that saw Basil hospitalised which meant the Cosmos were left to their own devices to dance the night away. Hopefully they turned the lights off as they left.
We all had a ball. Thought the younger ones may not relate to Faulty Towers but they loved it.
Food was beautiful, entertainment great. One of our best Staff ‘Xmas dos’ – Trish
From all the team at FAULTY TOWERS and MURDER AT HOTEL BALLE BALLE
we thank you for your business over the past year and take this opportunity to wish you
a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY and LAUGHTER-FILLED NEW YEAR!